Doctor Who's Putrid Ham
A quest through the Dr Who novelisations
"The excellent ham of Doctor Who is more than a little off"
1974 Times Literary Supplement review of Doctor Who and the Crusaders (quoted from David J Howe's The Target Book)
"I wanted to help people"
DOCTOR WHO AND THE WAR GAMES
by Malcolm Hulke
First published 25 October 1979 (1), between City of Death and The Creature from the Pit (2)
Hulke’s final novelisation loops at its end right back to the very first pages of the Target range which he and Terrance Dicks together opened in 1974, but the Doctor’s trial is not quite as it was in the prologue to Doctor Who and the Auton Invasion. One big difference is the Time Lords’ wording of the Doctor’s crimes – Dicks had them refer to ‘interference in the affairs of other planets’ (3) where Hulke prefers ‘interference into other people’s affairs’ (4). This could be a sign of Dicks’s stronger adhesion to the scripts from which he works (5), or, considering Hulke and Dicks wrote ‘The War Games’ together back in 1969, it could just be a sign that the line had its origins more firmly in Dicks than Hulke in the first place. It could even be taken as an indication that the Doctor’s interferences have become less cosmic and more personal between 1969/1974 and 1979 – though, frankly, following the Hinchcliffe/Holmes era of battling-evils-from-the-dawn-of-time and Williams’s Key to Time season, the opposite feels the case.
Most convincing is that Hulke’s choice is a doubling-down on theme, that the focus on people benefits ‘The War Games’. In subsuming the introduction of the Time Lords to the ideas that run through the whole story, he’s addressing, many decades early, Wood and Miles’s criticism of how the tenth episode has, in fans’ eyes, been ripped from its context and allowed to eclipse the preceding nine (6) – no doubt helped by its appearance in isolation at the very start of the Target range. By changing planets to people, Hulke’s asserting El Sandifer’s reading of the story, that this ‘coherent ten-parter’ has the coherent purpose (7) of taking the Doctor’s lust for ‘fighting monsters’ and critiquing his failure to stick around ‘into the aftermath’ (8) and fix ‘the horrible abuses [the monsters] put the humans through’ (9). The Doctor needs ‘to engage with people instead of just monsters’ (10) and having him declare his aim has been ‘to help people’ (11) draws attention to just how much he’s failed.
Actually, he’s worse than just failed. El Sandifer has the idea that the middle of ‘The War Games’ consists of ‘a base under siege story in which the TARDIS crew are the monsters and the villains are the base’ (12), a scenario that highlights how the Doctor, in his crusade against evil, has become interchangeable with his opponents – it doesn’t matter who’s inside the base and who’s sieging it, things’ll pan out pretty much the same regardless. And if the Doctor has become interchangeable with a Doctor Who villain, in this case the War Lords (13), then the Time Lords serve a purpose beyond just returning the humans home and passing judgement on the Doctor’s lifestyle – they provide a marker for how well the Doctor’s life of adventures has been going and whether he’s doing any better than if he’d never left them.
Just to be clear, Hulke isn’t doing a hatchet job on the Doctor – the Time Lords’ willingness to condone his future interference on Earth and their reflection, with regret, that he ‘would have brightened the place up no end’ (14) were he to have remained on Gallifrey ensure that. However, unlike on TV, the Doctor acknowledges that the Time Lords are ‘just’ (15), effectively condoning their sentence, and, more importantly, that they’re ‘good people’ (16), surrendering the implication in the broadcast episodes that they are at fault for doing too little (17). Instead, his desire to escape them was because he found their methods ‘downright dull’ (18), which might be fair but doesn’t exactly constitute a moral imperative.
So, taking El Sandifer’s idea that the challenge laid down by ‘The War Games’ was that the Doctor should ‘connect with humanity better’ (19) and Wood and Miles’s insistence that the ‘real point of “The War Games” is the War Games’, how do the actual war games, rather than all the stuff with the Time Lords and the Doctor’s trial, demonstrate the flaws in the Doctor’s behaviour? Well, the basic set-up takes conflicts from across human history, spanning at least from the Roman empire to the First World War (20), and reveals all the commanders to be aliens, directing great masses of people to fight and die for their own clandestine reasons which have nothing to do with those soldiers’ lives. This is, in a strangely uncommented upon core detail of the story, a literal representation of a pretty standard anti-war argument – that those most involved in its pursuit have no investment in its aims and those in whose interests it is executed are most detached from its pursuit (21) – applied to all sides – Smythe and von Weich are shown in collusion (22) – and all eras – von Weich reappears as a Confederate officer in the US Civil War.
Accordingly, where on TV Smythe, the first War Lord the story presents, is barely introduced before he’s shown using an anachronistic videophone, referring to the ‘1917 zone’ and heavy-handedly concealing something from his men by barking them out of his room (23), the novelisation, as well as ditching this scene, takes more time to establish the general as a stereotypical First World War commander, detached from the carnage he’s directing, unlike his captain (24), and relaxed with viewing the war in terms of who is able to sacrifice the most lives (25). Only then is he unceremoniously shown using a videophone (26), referring to ‘the 1917 zone’ (27) and walking into a cupboard (28). In a novelisation that struggles with a pagecount far less generous than the TV story’s ten episodes, expansions on the broadcast episodes such as this can only feel very deliberate – Hulke is ensuring the revelation that military commanders are all aliens doesn’t accidentally read as an explanation for their behaviour.
That they are called the War Lords serves a dual purpose. On the one hand, as Wood and Miles point out, it’s a simple riff on the term warlord (29), insisting there is little difference between would-be galactic conquerors, commanders in a national army and leaders of personal militia; on the other, it emphasises their aristocratic backgrounds. It’s telling that Smythe’s painting of George V on TV becomes a ‘photograph of the British royal family’ for the book (30), suggesting a more intimate and personal allegiance. Similarly, Hulke affords the chateau in which Smythe is based a bit of extra attention, making clear that, though stripped nearly bare, ‘it remained the most comfortable accommodation’ in the vicinity, detailing that it was the once-home of ‘a rich French family’ and specifying how it is ‘over thirty kilometres behind the front line’ (31). And it’s that distance, physical and as people, from the people actually doing the fighting that allows the commanders, whether human or War Lord, to engage in a war that effectively boils down to who has more soldiers to sacrifice (32).
As a Time Lord, the Doctor’s aristocratic background is also emphasised (33). One detail Hulke adds to the closing pages makes this especially clear – just as on TV, the Doctor complains about being condemned ‘to exile on one primitive planet’ (34) but now his words echo the War Lord’s defence that the lost lives of humans hardly matter as ‘They are primitive, always fighting among themselves’ (35). Similarly, his prizing of humanity for its vulnerability (36) echoes the War Lords’ admiration for their ‘war-like’ qualities (37) in its focus on the ‘Earth’ rather than actual people. The Doctor may have turned his back on his ‘destiny to rule’ (38), but he hasn’t escaped the lordly perspective of his origins, insistent, for example, that his new appearance must still confer on him the automatic ‘respect’ of others (39).
None of this, just to be clear, means that the Doctor is wrong to get involved in the conflicts he encounters – the Time Lords effectively condone his stance, even if they think he must work on his methods. They also give him a new body that seems to more readily draw authority his way (40), suggesting they don’t suddenly expect his aristocratic outlook to melt away. Here then we must assume Hulke diverges from El Sandifer in the motives behind the Doctor’s sentence. The Time Lords verdict is simply that the Doctor must stop acting as an authority unto himself, having, in this story, reached the limits of this approach, what with having to call on the Time Lords to actually sort out the mess he’s encountered. As well as seeing him trapped in one time on one planet and so with one group of people who he can’t merrily leave behind, the Doctor’s exile sees him end up effectively as a UNIT employee. This might, thanks to UNIT being a bunch of soldiers, seem a bit of an uncomfortable fit for Doctor Who, but, following a story where the Doctor has looked uncomfortably comparable with a bunch of aliens who’ve chosen to take charge of various groups of human soldiers, it does work very well as a way of turning him from the path towards the War Lords.
1 Based on the Popular Television Series, ed. Paul Smith
2 epguides.com/DoctorWho
3 ‘you have repeatedly broken our most important law: interference in the affairs of other planets is a serious crime’
Terrance Dicks, Doctor Who and the Auton Invasion
4 ‘Appropriation of a TARDIS without permission, and interference into other people’s affairs. The latter is the most grave since non-interference is our most important law’
5 ‘you have repeatedly broken our most important law of non-interference in the affairs of other planets’
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/6-7.htm
6 ‘fandom is more interested in these cops than in the crime itself […] The real point of “The War Games” is the War Games’
Tat Wood & Lawrence Miles, About Time 2; p.270
7 ‘this has been a coherent ten-parter by and large, and so one assumes it's not just going to jettison its themes at the last second’
Elizabeth Sandifer, Tardis Eruditorum, eruditorumpress.com/blog/tied-to-one-planet-the-war-games
8 ‘the real problem isn't these aliens but with fixing the horrible abuse they've put the humans through’
Elizabeth Sandifer, Tardis Eruditorum, eruditorumpress.com/blog/tied-to-one-planet-the-war-games
9 ‘he was incapable of dealing with the problems of humans beyond fighting monsters for them […] he might throw himself into a crisis, but he'd never throw himself into the aftermath’
Elizabeth Sandifer, Tardis Eruditorum, eruditorumpress.com/blog/tied-to-one-planet-the-war-games
10 ‘the point of The War Games was that the Doctor needed to engage with people instead of just monsters’
Elizabeth Sandifer, Tardis Eruditorum, eruditorumpress.com/blog/i-do-tend-to-get-involved-spearhead-from-space
11 ‘I wanted to help people, to combat evil’
12 ‘In its middle section, The War Games is a base under siege story in which the TARDIS crew are the monsters and the villains are the base’
Elizabeth Sandifer, Tardis Eruditorum, eruditorumpress.com/blog/tied-to-one-planet-the-war-games
13 And the race is explicitly called the War Lords here, the opening quote being attributed to the ‘Chief War Lord’, Smythe talking to a ‘fellow War Lord’ through his telecommunications unit and the Doctor being considered a threat to ‘the plans of the War Lords’
14 ‘“I think you did right. He would never have fitted in back here.” “I agree,” said the great voice. “It’s a pity. He would have brightened the place up no end”’
15‘“You know that we are always just.” “Yes,” said the Doctor, hanging his head. “I know only too well”’ – what does that mean? He’s been tried before?
16 ‘“They’re good people really.” He sighed. “It’s because they’re so good that I left them!”’
17 ‘you have done nothing but observe. True, I am guilty of interference, just as you are guilty of failing to use your great powers to help those in need!’
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/6-7.htm
18 ‘your way of observing and doing nothing, it makes life so... so... […] It’s so downright dull!’
19 ‘the challenge laid down at the start of the Pertwee era was to connect with humanity better than the psychedelic irresponsibility of Troughton's Doctor did’
Elizabeth Sandifer, Tardis Eruditorum, eruditorumpress.com/blog/the-outside-universe-is-breaking-through-carnival-of-monsters
20 Tardis Data Core gives the conflicts as ‘Roman, Greek, Crimean War, First World War, Peninsular War, American Civil War, Mexican Civil War, English Civil War, Thirty-Years War, Boer War, Russo-Japanese War’, which would suggest it stretches earlier than the Romans, but I can’t for life of me remember a Greek war in the story
21 I wrote this confident that this was a well-trodden view that I’d barely need to explain and with which Hulke was bound to be familiar. I still think this, but a quick google revealed it was at least less widely disseminated than I thought. Just as the barest of evidence, and without even looking left, there’s War Is a Racket by Smedley D Butler, a retired US general who argued industrialists profited from war at the expense of workers’ lives and freedoms, or the Clyde Workers’ Committee’s (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clyde_Workers%27_Committee) attempts to protect workers’ rights during the First World War. Then there’s the oft-quoted-in-isolation-but-actually-a-line-from-a-play Sartre line that ‘When the rich wage war, it’s the poor who die’ (Jean-Paul Sartre, Le diable et le bon dieu). My favourite example comes in Selina Todd’s The People, which explains how initial reactions to the British retreat from Dunkirk was far from the celebratory myth that was subsequently constructed, soldiers complaining how their officers had deserted them in the face of the oncoming enemy troops, grabbing the scarce available transport for themselves in a race to escape to the coast (p.119), and Mass Observation, a government-commissioned investigation into public morale, reporting that many people were reluctant to support a war they felt benefitted only vested interests and the middle classes when they saw little difference between Nazi tyranny and their treatment by their own democracy (pp.121-2)
22 ‘“Von Weich, 1917 German Front Line to Central Control. We have captured the three people who escaped from the British sector. I await instructions.” The face of General Smythe looked at him from the screen. “Kill them immediately, please”’
23 (A wood panelled room with a large trunk on its end in the corner. Smythe reaches for a portrait on the wall when the door opens. It's the Sergeant Major with his mug of tea.)
SMYTHE: Don't ever come through that door without knocking! Get out!
BURNS: Right, sir.
(He leaves. Smythe reaches for the portrait again and it swings open on hinges to reveal a circular monitor and a dial. Smythe turns it on.)
SMYTHE: Smythe, 1917 zone, British sector. Reinforcements urgently required. At least five thousand specimens.
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/6-7.htm
24 ‘“Number Three sector suffered seventy-five per cent losses.” General Smythe scribbled a note on the back of an envelope. “I’ve made a note. I’ll get reinforcements as soon as possible.” “Yes, sir.” It still appalled Captain Ransom that men’s lives were reduced to reports and statistics, and notes on backs of envelopes’
25 ‘This is a war of attrition. If we can suffer our losses one day longer than the Germans can suffer their losses, we shall have won’
26 ‘he slid it to one side revealing the telecommunications unit set deep in the wall’
27 ‘This is the 1917 Zone, British area’
28 ‘Then he went to the tall wardrobe, opened its doors and went inside’
29 ‘…the alien boss is known as the “War Lord”, which is a real-life term that everyone knows’
Tat Wood and Lawrence Miles, About Time 2, p.270
30 ‘The only decoration was a framed photograph of the British royal family’ – to be fair, the telescreen sits behind a painting of George
V on TV, but the details that it’s a photograph
and of the family make it seem a more personal
allegiance.
31 ‘The château, a once beautiful mansion belonging to a rich French family, was over thirty kilometres behind the front line […] it remained the most comfortable accommodation anywhere near the now static front line, and had therefore been commandeered by the British army as sectional headquarters’
32 ‘Every now and then one side or the other goes over the top. They climb out, hundreds of them, and go charging through No Man’s Land towards the enemy’s trenches. They know that the first wave will be wiped out by enemy machine-guns. The second wave, following immediately behind, will lose fifty per cent. With luck, some of the third wave will reach the enemy trenches while the machine-gunners are re-loading. Once there, they kill every enemy soldier in sight and try to take the trench. An advance like that may push the front line forward by one kilometre at the cost of ten thousand soldiers’ lives’]
33 On TV, you can go further and say it’s made explicit for the first time. It’s difficult to make the same argument with the novelisations – the Doctor been labelled a Time Lord in previous novels both if read in publication order and, with hindsight, if read in transmission order. That said, with the range at this point embracing a proto-DVD approach , and the at least more pointed references to the Doctor’s origins in earlier stories yet to be released, there’s at least some extent to which this is playing with the first-time revelation as it occurred on TV
34 ‘you can’t condemn me to exile on one primitive planet!’
35 ‘“You call humans intelligent?” said the War Lord. “They are primitive, always fighting among themselves”’
36 ‘Earth seems particularly vulnerable to attack by other worlds’
37 ‘the most war-like planet known to us—Earth’
38 ‘It is our destiny to rule. We have the superior intelligence, energy and determination to bring a New Order to all galaxies within the Universe’
39 ‘Too young. No one would respect me...’ – on TV, he simply complains ‘That one's too young’ (chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/6-7.htm)
40 El Sandifer reflects that ‘Pertwee's Doctor spends almost all of his time rushing around offices full of important and powerful men’ (Elizabeth Sandifer, Tardis Eruditorum, eruditorumpress.com/blog/the-outside-universe-is-breaking-through-carnival-of-monsters) and ‘really does hang about bridge clubs talking to the nobility and joshingly calling them things like Tubby Rolands’ (Elizabeth Sandifer, Tardis Eruditorum, eruditorumpress.com/blog/he-was-a-friend-at-first-terror-of-the-autons); Adventures with the Wife in Space, meanwhile, simply labels the third incarnation The Pompous Tory (wifeinspace.com/wifeinspace.html)
Height Attack
The War Chief is ‘a tall man’, there’s ‘A tall Time Lord’ and Smythe is a ‘full six feet’, but it’s mostly inanimate objects this time round: ‘tall windows’ and ‘a tall walnut wardrobe’ in Smythe’s office, ‘tall grass’ around the 1917 prison, a Russian officer’s ‘tall leather hat’ in the Crimean War and the Sidrats, ‘tall black boxes’
Hulkisms
No groaning, just ‘a wheezing sound like trumpeting elephants’
Are You Sitting Comfortably..?
‘In fact his father owned two factories in Yorkshire and a chain of shops, but in those days you did not admit to a Lady that your father was in commerce’
Revenge of the Educational Remit
‘“‘Barbed wire,” the Doctor explained. “Filthy stuff. Invented by an American to pen in cattle on the range, then used against human beings”’
‘The First World War. It lasted from 1914 to 1918—four years when the whole of Europe went mad. Eventually, the Americans and Japanese and almost everyone joined in’
‘Armies used to advance on each other. But once you have the machine-gun you can stop soldiers coming at you. You simply mow them down. The only way to advance on a machine-gun is with a tank. But they haven’t got tanks yet. So both sides dug trenches’
US Civil War: ‘It started in 1861 and went on for three terrible years […] The Southern states had Negro slaves. In the Northern states, owning slaves was outlawed. The North wanted the South to free its slaves, so the Southern states tried to leave the Union...’
Leftie Who
‘“Perhaps if women took over we wouldn’t have wars,” Zoe suggested. “That’s radical talk. A woman’s place is in the home.” Lady Jennifer realised what she had just said. “Except, of course, during a war.” “Which men have started,” said Zoe. “You’re not one of these new socialists, are you?” “I don’t know,” Zoe replied honestly. “What are they?” “They believe in a lot of nonsense—“’ – it’s rather clever this. The hypocrisy of Jennifer’s position is transparent, and Zoe’s ignorance of the term socialist coupled with her espousal of views Jennifer sees as radical demonstrate the future’s comfortably progressive. Plus there’s Jennifer’s later complaint to the US Civil War soldiers, ‘Why not? I believe in votes for women, so why shouldn’t we fight if necessary?’, which isn’t a contradiction but feels an odd fit. Maybe her stuffy views were an effect of the fog?
Tory Who
‘“She’s an English aristocrat,” the Doctor explained quietly. “When it comes to being brave, you can’t beat them”’
Miscellania
‘we shall ruthlessly discard all those of inferior quality. This process of elimination, in which all those who fail shall die, will be called the War Games’ – It’s Battle Royale two decades early!
Meanwhile, after its absence from many books: ‘Zoe raced across the grass to Doctor Who’
‘After their last adventure the Doctor had promised to try and return Jamie to his own homeland and time’ – what is Target’s obsession with companions wanting to return home?
Zoe: ‘Coming from the distant future, she hadn’t even heard of the United States’ – that might answer one of About Time’s theories (Tat Wood & Lawrence Miles, About Time 2, ‘Whatever Happened to the USA’; pp.69-73)…
Top joke of the book: ‘Drusus was glad his friend had seen reason. He turned his chariot round to head back to the fort. To-night he would sacrifice three goats, two pigs and a human slave to make the God of War happy’
‘“’e is dead but no mark.” Sergeant Russell picked up one of the stun-guns. “A gun without bullets”’ – what with it being a stun gun, I’d assumed he wouldn’t be dead, but it appears ‘stun’ just means ‘by means other than bullets’ here
The Chief War Lord’s views on humanity paint a bleak picture. ‘For this glorious crusade we shall need an army of ferocious fighting men’, which is why they go for Earth: ‘Mankind is the most vicious species of all in the galaxy. Consider its history. Since they emerged from apes they have been systematically killing each other, either to gain land, or in the name of God, or for politics’
It’s amazing how easily the Tardis crew wind up the soldiers in the trenches at the start, well before Smythe starts influencing anyone: ‘With all my mates dead? With one of my ears half blown off? You call this nonsense? I say we shoot ‘em now, Sarge’
Ransom: ‘Peace, he thought, must have been wonderful. The pity was, he could not remember what he had been doing before 1914, nor where he had been’ – a bleak statement on war and a clue!
And the moral of the story is: ‘“Was all the death and misery for nothing?” “You have answered your own question, Lieutenant. War is always death and misery, and both sides lose. I hope that one day you humans will find another way to settle your arguments”’
But then there’s also this lovely addition: ‘Willi Müller from Berlin and George Brown from London […] had been in hiding three months, both having deserted their armies. They met by chance while wandering aimlessly in the woods, each expecting the other to kill him. But instead, the enemies had become friends and they intended to hide in their little dug-out until the war was over’
Jamie’s interrogation starts off rather cheery: ‘“You won’t go away, will you?” “I’ll sit right here,” said Jamie, unable to move. “Good,” said the Security Chief. “I like a specimen with a sense of fun”’. And then descends quite shockingly into random and meaningless torture for pleasure: ‘the guard seemed intrigued by the pain helmet and the machine to which it was attached. His fingers played across the controls […] The guard looked at Jamie’s pained expression and grinned. He searched for the control that would increase the pain’. I’m not sure why, but it does get your attention
The Doctor turns steely: ‘“I don’t wish to destroy an intelligence,” said the Doctor, “even yours. But my friend’s safety comes first. You have two seconds to save your own mind.” His fingers touched the ‘on’ control’
Hulke really gives this one a good go: ‘Space and Inter-time Directional Robot All-purpose Transporter, known by its initials SIDRAT’
Hulke does some nice little bits of work establishing that the Doctor’s origins are still supposed to be a mystery in this story: ‘“Mind you, I’m not supposed to interfere.” “Who says you shouldn’t?” “Well,” the Doctor said mysteriously, “perhaps I may tell you one day”’ AND ‘“We’ve travelled together a long time, Jamie, so perhaps I should let you know who I really am. You see—“ Lieutenant Carstairs hurried back into the room’
‘a traveller in a time-space machine. There is only one person you can be’ – it appears the Doctor’s famous and unique among the Time Lords
The Doctor seems to have a rather low opinion of the Time Lords: ‘“What do you expect us to do with you?” The Doctor thought. “Dematerialisation?” “We are not savages”’ – mind you, he did just witness him do just that to some other people…
‘After sentence there should be a right of appeal. I too could produce witnesses... And you have no authority over me... You have only heard half my story...’ – does he have a point? Does Hulke intend him to have a point?
A whole new, and sadly rather mundane, explanation for the power of the Time Lords: ‘The green crystal, which is the basis of our time control units, is unobtainable anywhere in the galaxy except on our planet of the Time Lords’