Doctor Who's Putrid Ham
A quest through the Dr Who novelisations
"The excellent ham of Doctor Who is more than a little off"
1974 Times Literary Supplement review of Doctor Who and the Crusaders (quoted from David J Howe's The Target Book)
"If only there was a war on, he thought wistfully, he could lock the fellow up, or even shoot him"
DOCTOR WHO AND THE CLAWS OF AXOS
by Terrance Dicks
Dicks really seizes on the Doctor’s desire to escape Earth. On TV, it only really comes up in Part Four, but the novelisation emphasises how he only ever joined UNIT ‘in return for laboratory facilities to work on his TARDIS’ (3) and seeds the idea early on that he recognises in Axonite a means of ending his exile. Jo is suspicious from the moment the Doctor mentions Axonite and time travel in the same breath, running off to warn a sceptical Brigadier of the Time Lord’s ‘treachery’ (4).
This isn’t used, however, to add uncertainty to the Doctor’s deception at the end, when he pretends to team up with the Master. Unsurprisingly, Dicks recognises the reader, much like the Brigadier, is unlikely to believe the Doctor would actually ‘betray’ (5) his friends to restore his wandering lifestyle, just as Jo, despite her credible reactions when the Doctor leaves with the Master in his Tardis, is still worried at the end about what’ll happen if the Doctor returns in the middle of an explosion (6). Only the Master is truly convinced, and that’s because he desperately wants to believe the Doctor is as ‘ultimately selfish’ as himself and that he’s right to view ‘ruthless realism’ as the sole ‘logic’ of the universe (7).
What it does do, though, is emphasise the similarities between the Doctor and the Master, an understandable choice in , as far as I can remember, the only television story to cast the Master in the Doctor’s role until ‘The Magician’s Apprentice/The Witch’s Familiar’. Though under duress, the Master briefly works for UNIT, preventing Nuton’s reactor from overloading and using the Doctor’s Tardis to do so, and reveals himself to be rather similar, enjoying ‘a good crisis’ (8), taking command thanks to the same air of ‘authority’ (9) the Doctor often employs (10) and even speaking like his nemesis (11). Most importantly, the manner in which he offers his help ‘in exchange’ for his freedom (12) can’t help but echo the reasons for the Doctor’s alliance with UNIT.
It also changes the Doctor’s relationship with Axonite. It means, at least initially, the Doctor was genuinely interested in Axonite ‘for himself!’ (13), making him just as vulnerable to ‘Beads and tinsel for fools and savages’ as anyone else (14). He gets the Tardis moved to Nuton Power Complex in the hope of using Axonite to fix it (15), is very shifty about what he’s up to (16) and, in this light, is frankly hypocritical in his efforts to keep everyone else away (17) from this wonder element (18). Just as the Doctor is shown to trade his abilities for his own ends like the Master, he’s also shown to be as vulnerable to ‘tremendous temptation’ (19) as the likes of Chinn.
And that’s a distinctly unflattering position to be in. A ‘vain and […] stupid man’ (20) with a Napoleon complex (21) and parents seemingly as deluded as himself, what with naming him after Nelson (22), the man is the ‘perfect bureaucrat’ (23), bereft of inspiration but successful through ceaseless attrition (24) and cynical bullying (25), ‘ruthlessly ambitious’ for personal ‘power’ to no end but its exercise (26).
Chinn explicitly represents everything that drives the Doctor to crave an end to his exile (27) and, worse, he’s categorically not a sole bad egg. He represents a whole system, his minister, who so wants shot of him, shown up as no different. A ‘Wily old politician’ (28), his core concerns seem to be accumulating power (29) and guarding his own back (30). Every time Chinn gets the upper hand over UNIT, it’s because the minister is more motivated by his little plan to play the two off against each other (31) than he is by the Axonite situation.
And it’s not just the political establishment – Winser shows the scientific community up as just as bad. He’s desperate to get his hands on Axonite (32) and, unlike Hardiman, whose motive seems to be the potential ‘benefit’ to ‘humanity’ (33), his interest stems from a lust for ‘articles in scientific publications, the conferences, the books, even the Nobel Prize...’ (34). The difference is clear from the way that Hardiman seizes on the opportunity to have the Doctor assist in the investigation of Axonite, aware of his experience, while Winser seems reluctant until the Doctor makes clear his contribution would be anonymous.
Even poor old Josh, so bizarre onscreen, is revealed as motivated purely by self-interest during his brief appearance. He resents Nuton Power Complex, seemingly responsible for ‘Britain's entire power supply’ (35), simply because it adds an extra two miles to his journey to the pub (36), and he dies because he’s so absorbed in ‘turning his experience to profit’ that he doesn’t spot Axos sending out a tentacle to get him (37). As if this wasn’t insult enough to a man from a ‘tumbledown cottage’ stuck ‘in the middle of the marshes’, Dicks also has him declared below reasonable intelligence and ‘valueless’ (38), even though Filer, worthy of ‘further analysis’ (39), is later shown to repeatedly react to Axos in exactly the same ways (40). Maybe, Josh wasn’t such a fucking idiot after all, eh?
The only difference between the Doctor and all these others is that he eventually judges the price of Axonite too dear whereas no one else seems to even realise there is a price to be paid until too late. So who comes out of this in a positive light? Well, Hardiman does quite well, stepping up in a moment of crisis to save a bit of the day. Tellingly, he says he ‘used to be’ a scientist (41), reflecting on how he’s long since become a mere administrator. It’s in re-embracing ‘a real job’ with ‘tools in his hand’ (42) and in taking ‘responsibility’ for the situation that he breaks free of the system and selflessly does some good.
But the chief beneficiary is the Brigadier, who at long last gets to consistently shine in one of the novelisations. He’s loyal, standing by the Doctor in the face of Jo’s fears, at least until the Doctor announces he’s clearing off, quick-witted, picking up on the Doctor’s suspicions of Axos (43), sympathetic to those who obstruct him (44), pragmatic, as when enlisting the Master’s help (45), and indefatigable (46).
Most importantly, though, he resists bureaucracy, even proving rubbish at basic paperwork (47) and preferring instead to assert his ‘personal responsibility’ (48) for his actions. He refuses to be part of the government’s initiative to centralise intelligence (49), but he doesn’t do so out of a desire to maintain some ‘private army’ (50) but out of a sense that his concerns extend beyond just one country (51) and a recognition that the likes of the Ministry of Security would throttle international cooperation, as indeed Chinn quickly does regarding Bill Filer (52). Were he simply interested in ring-fencing his own little domain, he’d hardly have invited in a ‘liaison officer from Washington’ (53). More than any other character, the Brigadier is the one invested in the Doctor’s idea of a ‘duty to the world’ (54) and the one who most represents the mantra he’ll take up towards the end of his twelfth life: to act ‘Without hope. Without witness. Without reward’ (55).
1 tardis.wikia.com/wiki/Doctor_Who_and_the_Claws_of_Axos
3 ‘It was true enough that escape from Earth in the TARDIS was the Doctor's prime concern. He'd only taken the job with UNIT in return for laboratory facilities to work on his TARDIS’
4 ‘Jo was still trying to convince the Brigadier of the Doctor's treachery. “You know how obsessed he is with getting the TARDIS going again?”’
5 ‘the Brigadier found it hard to accept that his old friend was planning to betray him’
6 ‘What about the Doctor? Suppose he decided to come back after all and materialised inside the lab?’
7 ‘Was he really capable of such ruthless realism? But the logic of the Doctor's arguments was unanswerable. It pleased the Master to think that even the Doctor was ultimately selfish’
8 ‘the Master was actually smiling. He liked a good crisis. In his own peculiar way, he was enjoying himself’
9 ‘“What's happened?” Such was the authority in the Master's voice that the Brigadier told him’
10 ‘There was something very impressive about the Doctor's air of casual authority’
11 ‘The Master switched on the TARDIS loudspeaker system and yelled, “Risk the cables, man! Risk everything! We've got to!”’ AND ‘The Doctor said sharply, “The missiles, man. For heaven's sake, abort!”’
12 ‘There might be something I can do... in exchange for my freedom’
13 ‘Now she knew why the Doctor had suddenly changed his attitude. He didn't care whether Axonite would be good or bad for Humanity. He wanted it for himself!’
14 Axonite is ‘Beads and tinsel for fools and savages... and something more’
15 ‘“If your equipment is compatible with my Particle Accelerator... it might work...” And so might the TARDIS, thought the Doctor, though he didn't say so aloud’ – so he’s not just getting Winser out of the way
16 ‘Jo remembered the Doctor's conversation with Winser, the interest he'd shown in the possible applications of Axonite to Time travel, “About which side you're on? For a while I thought you were changing sides.” The Doctor seemed determined to change the subject’
17 ‘the longer we scientists can keep Axonite away from people like Chinn, the better for all of us’ comes across as rather hypocritical
18 ‘Axonite is the chameleon of the elements’
19 ‘Any chance of escape would present a tremendous temptation. Was the Doctor ready to buy his freedom at any price?’
20 ‘He was a vain and rather stupid man’
21 ‘Like many small men in high positions, Chinn liked to think of himself as Napoleonic’
22 ‘the stocky and unattractive shape of Horatio Chinn’
23 ‘He looked the picture of the perfect bureaucrat’
24 ‘ruthlessly ambitious and tirelessly energetic. Chinn eventually overcame most of his opponents by wearing them down’
25 ‘Chinn had found these sudden calculated outbursts of rage an effective means of getting his own way’. And this is something the doctor also seems to have in his arsenal: ‘For a moment the Doctor frowned. Jo held her breath, fearing an explosion. Then, to her relief, he gave one of his sudden charming smiles’. Maybe that’s why the Brig’s able to handle the tactic so well: ‘the Brigadier seemed quite unintimidated. Positively uninterested, in fact’
26 ‘He had the power now—and he was going to use it’
27 ‘'Suspend me if you like, Mr Chinn. Do you think I'd mind leaving this organisation? I'd happily leave the entire planet—if only to get away from people like you with your petty localised obsessions...'
28 ‘Wily old politician that he was’
29 ‘the newly-created Ministry of Security, an organisation designed to gather all Britain's various intelligence organisations under one central umbrella’
30 ‘The Minister had decided that this was an extremely tricky situation, and had shuffled off responsibility as soon as possible’ AND ‘With a certain relish in his voice the Minister went on, “If anything should go awry, Chinn, your reputation, indeed your whole career will be ruined”’
31 ‘He had two main problems at the moment—Chinn and the Brigadier. Why not turn them loose on each other? Whichever proved the winner, the Minister would have one less problem to worry about’
32 ‘Winser grabbed Hardiman's arm in a painful grip and whispered, “We must have it. Whatever they want give it to them! We must have Axonite!”’
33 ‘Hardiman seized his opportunity. “And the future of humanity can benefit enormously from Axonite.” “The advantages will be enormous...” agreed Winser’
34 ‘Hardiman seized on the key word. “We? Are you offering to co-operate with us, Doctor?” “Scientifically, yes.” Hardiman looked at his colleague. “Winser?” “That depends.” “On what?” “On who is to lead the investigation.” Hurriedly the Doctor said, “Why you do, of course. My contribution would remain completely anonymous. Security reasons, you see.” Winser smiled, thinking of the articles in scientific publications, the conferences, the books, even the Nobel Prize...’
35 ‘it's landed right beside the national power complex. Britain's entire power supply is menaced’
36 ‘some enormous new-fangled scientific complex, slap in the middle of the marshes, and right between Josh's tumbledown cottage and the nearest pub […] Josh had to ride an extra two miles to get to his beer. He cursed the scientists and their buildings every thirsty inch of the way’
37 ‘Josh was so intent on turning his experience to profit it didn't occur to him the object might have plans of its own’
38 ‘intelligence quotient atypically low […] This specimen is valueless’
39 ‘Subject intelligent […] Hold for further analysis and investigation’
40 ‘Like Old Josh before him, Filer made a cautious examination’; ‘Again like Josh, Filer walked around the mound’; AND ‘Filer, like Josh before him, lay pinioned and helpless in the heart of Axos’
41 ‘this is my responsibility. I'm a scientist or I used to be’
42 ‘It was a very long time since he'd last had tools in his hands, but he worked calmly and steadily, with a curious feeling of contentment. Despite all the years in meetings and conferences, he could still do a real job when he had to…’
43 ‘“Even radiation?” said the Doctor suddenly. “Even solar radiation?” The Brigadier realised that the Doctor was pointing out an inconsistency in the Axon's story’
44 ‘“Captain Harker, that this is an illegal act.” “I'm sorry, sir. I must follow my orders.” The Brigadier nodded, understanding his fellow-soldier's discomfort’
45 '“Brigadier, if this place goes up it will cost untold numbers of lives. […]” […] The Brigadier looked agonised at the thought of losing his prisoner so soon. But there was really no choice’
46 ‘With no real hope, but with a determination not to give in, the Brigadier and the rest of the besieged waited for the final battle’
47 ‘A little guiltily, the Brigadier recollected that he'd intended to create a full set of documents for the Doctor when he'd joined UNIT at the time of the first Auton Invasion. Hence the file’
48 ‘The Doctor is my personal responsibility’
49 ‘the newly-created Ministry of Security, an organisation designed to gather all Britain's various intelligence organisations under one central umbrella […] The Brigadier had refused to be gathered’
50 ‘You seem to think UNIT is your own private army, Brigadier’
51 ‘taking the position that UNIT was not a national but an international organisation’
52 ‘Mr Filer. This is a purely internal matter, and your presence is unnecessary […] unless you leave immediately. I shall have you placed under arrest'
53 ‘you're the new liaison officer from Washington’
54 ‘Chinn struggled to regain his self-possession. “I have a duty to my country...” “To your country?” thundered the Doctor. “What about your duty to the world?”’
55 ‘Without hope. Without witness. Without reward’
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/36-6.html AND chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/36-12.html
Dicksisms
‘His face dried and cracked like a river bed in times of drought’ – now that’s a simile
‘Filer swung his dark-green Ford ahead of the convoy’ – this is just giving us the brand for the sake of it now. I mean, a Ford, whatever colour, can be basically any size, shape or style of car. Almost any other fragment of information would have been more illuminating
‘Bill Filer had managed to manoeuvre his Colt Cobra from his shoulder holster into his hand’ – Dicks does love his guns
Tory Who
There’s the sequence, largely taken from TV, where Jo is kept out of the action by the Doctor and the Brigadier – ‘Why don't we just go and take a look at it? […] I'm sorry, Jo, not you’ – then by Yates and Benton – ‘stay here, Miss Grant. It's not too pleasant to look at’ – to the extent that she begins to suspect ‘a conspiracy!’. I’d be inclined to think kindly on it, but later…
The Doctor: ‘I wish you wouldn't keep interrupting, Jo. These matters are rather above your head’
Confronted with Axos: ‘Jo looked on, only half-aware of what was happening’
And, escaping Axos: ‘Jo collapsed, her hands over her face. She began sobbing hysterically’
Proto-L’Officier
‘How did you explain to someone as mentally limited as Chinn that the subject of his enquiry was not only not British, he wasn't even human? That he had formerly been in the habit of travelling through Space and Time in an old blue police box called the TARDIS? That after a complete transformation in his appearance, he was now exiled to Earth by his mysterious superiors, the Time Lords?’
‘A renegade member of the Doctor's own Time Lord race, the Master had followed the Doctor to Earth on a mission of vengeance, helping the invading Nestenes on their second attempt to conquer Earth. After the invasion had been defeated the Master had vanished. Some time later he had reappeared in the guise of a prominent criminologist, making a second attempt to destroy the Doctor and conquer the Earth. When this too was defeated, the Master had vanished yet again’
‘The snags to which the Doctor referred were the laws of his own people, the Time Lords. As part of his sentence of exile to Earth, they had somehow prevented the TARDIS from functioning. In addition, they had clouded that part of the Doctor's memory that held the vital Temporal Equations, so that he was unable to repair it’
Revenge of the Educational Remit
‘She remembered the story of the Trojan horse from her schooldays. The Greeks had been besieging Troy, and couldn't get inside. So they'd built an enormous wooden horse, left it outside the city gates and gone away. Overcome with curiosity, the Trojans had dragged the horse inside their city walls. But the horse had been hollow—and filled with Greek soldiers...’
Height Attack
The Doctor’s ‘a tall white-haired man [in] what appeared to be some form of fancy dress’ and Winser’s ‘Tall and thin’
Are You Sitting Comfortably..?
‘In Winser's laboratory, everything was under control—Axon control’
Miscellania
‘a plain white dome—about the size of a police box. It was the Master's TARDIS, in its basic, uncamouflaged form’
‘The Axonite got Winser—then that spaghetti-monster turned up and clobbered me’ – ‘spaghetti-monster’ seems like a bit of a dig at the costume department, and do Americans say ‘clobbered’?
The Brigadier on Chinn: ‘If only there was a war on, he thought wistfully, he could lock the fellow up, or even shoot him. Deciding that Chinn was definitely one of the horrors of peace, the Brigadier looked with disfavour at his unwanted guest’ AND ‘The blindfold over his eyes, the last cigarette, thought the Brigadier dreamily’
Chinn seems to sort of win, oddly: ‘we'd better be getting back to UNIT H.Q. Make sure Chinn doesn't grab all the credit’ AND ‘Chinn was already safely back in Whitehall, explaining to the Minister how his genius had solved the problem’
And I'm not sure Dicks would describe any other incarnation as 'aggravatingly smug'