Doctor Who's Putrid Ham
A quest through the Dr Who novelisations
"The excellent ham of Doctor Who is more than a little off"
1974 Times Literary Supplement review of Doctor Who and the Crusaders (quoted from David J Howe's The Target Book)
"he’d seldom met a more thoroughgoing villain in all his lives"
DOCTOR WHO AND THE ANDROIDS OF TARA
by Terrance Dicks
First published 24 April 1980 (1), between The Horns of Nimon and The Leisure Hive (2)
It’s Dicks doing Fisher again, so what differences exist between TV and book are minor. There are still a few things to pick up on though. To start, a few things are more clearly explained than in the broadcast episodes. Reynart’s appearance on time for his coronation, for example, is so important because, should he miss it, it’s taken as a divine disfavour (3). Meanwhile, the presence of guards at the entrance to the secret tunnel on which Reynart’s allies are relying to reach the coronation merits the reflection that ‘the Count knew about the tunnel after all’ (4) where the lack of remark on TV gave the impression they maybe always expected a guard, leaving the point of using the secret passage a bit of a mystery. Similarly, the Doctor’s escape out the back of the Pavilion of the Summer Winds despite Grendel’s men surrounding the place makes more sense when it’s stated ‘Grendel’s call to attack’ has drawn them all round to the front door (5). Perhaps most banal of all, it’s specified that the Doctor forgets to secure K9’s boat on entering Grendel’s castle (6), which is why K9 ends up stranded mid-moat.
Next, Dicks twice takes advantage of the lack of budgetary constraints. On the first occasion, the Taran Wood Beast becoming ‘A mixture of bear,
ape and boar’ (7), Dicks might not have had any idea what actually appeared onscreen. However, when, on the second occasion, portraying the build-up to the coronation at the Taran palace like a scene from a medieval painting, with ‘innumerable towers and turrets’, ‘an encircling wall’, ‘Flags […] flying’ and especially ‘an endless line of people on horseback and on foot’ (8), he must have had a shrewd idea the production team never pulled that off.
The novelisation’s also considerably bloodier than the broadcast episodes. Rob Shearman comments that Lamia’s ‘the only death in the entire story’ (9) and, though it’s always possible that fatalities onscreen were simply not dwelt on and so ambiguous, the first death – on TV, the guard will explicitly recover in a few hours (10); in the book, the fatal blow is ‘the last thing he saw’ (11) – is clearly not an example of this. Shortly after this, as more guards follow the Doctor’s troupe up the secret passage, ‘Four of the guards [die] before they realised what was happening’ (12), Zadek then ‘dispose[s]’ of another (13), Farrah another (14), back to Zadek ‘and another of Grendel’s guards scream[s] and die[s]’ (15), back to Farah and another ‘disposed of’ (16).
That Target has of late been adapting stories in more-or-less broadcast order pays a few dividends too. Dicks’s recent experience writing Doctor Who and the Invasion of Time leads to some added insight into Romana’s odd relationship with horses (17), with her upbringing in ‘the vast Time Lord city-complex’ perhaps explaining her greater reticence than on TV when the Doctor suggests she retrieve the segment herself (18) and how a summer’s walk through some woods becomes so ‘uneasy’ and menacing (19). He even seems to have picked up on Ian Marter’s characterisation of her in Doctor Who and the Ribos Operation, both here and in the opening to Doctor Who and the Stones of Blood, as both hyper-focused on the Key to Time mission (20) and weary of the Doctor’s habit of embracing distractions (21).
In a similar vein to all the above but more significant, the relationship between Grendel and Lamia isn’t quite the same as on TV. Where Lamia’s resentment of Grendel onscreen derive from a one-time ‘certain courtesy’ (22), the novelisation opens up the possibility that her feelings resulted not so much from the relationship itself but her frustrated ‘hopes of becoming [Grendel’s] Countess’ (23). This diminishes Lamia’s behaviour as, what on TV comes across as a hatred of the man’s power to press that courtesy and of the man for withdrawing that courtesy coupled with a sad affection for him borne of that one incident, becomes merely a naïve attempt to gain power that come to nothing. Perhaps this is simply how the Count views the situation, unable to conceive of any motive except social advancement. Certainly, when Romana observes the couple, ‘the tension between them’, which suggests ‘they [are] more to each other than master and servant’ (24), seems more mutual than the story of Lamia’s thwarted ambition would explain. What’s more, though her fear of Grendel generally prevents her anger getting the better of her (25), the moments when it doesn’t, such as her barely respectful tone at one point (26) or her ‘little hiss of anger’ (27) at another, suggest a deeply personal animosity, one that can’t help but express itself even when it risks what social standing she does have.
Other lines in the novelisation suggest that this might just be Grendel’s take on the incident. Certainly, he’s more transparently a sexual predator on the page, envisaging ‘a use for both’ Romana’s ‘pretty head’ and ‘body’ (28) rather than just her head – ‘keep your head […] I may have a better use for it’ (29) – and talking of how he ‘can be very persuasive’ when confronting his ‘choice of two such beautiful women for [his] bride’ (30). On top of that, Grendel is clearly so obsessed with his own plans to elevate his standing, having long owned a throne ready for his becoming king (31), that he might well view everyone else’s actions through the same prism.
This ease with which Grendel exploits his power might explain the Doctor’s verdict that ‘he’d seldom met a more thoroughgoing villain in all his lives’ (32). Here is a man who thinks nothing of destroying the android king and kidnapping Romana under a flag of truce, rues not killing the Doctor when he was an unconscious stranger (33) and plans to end the final confrontation by jumping aside in a one-one-one swordfight, once it becomes clear he is the weaker fencer, in order to ‘have the Doctor shot down’ (34). Grendel’s may be a ‘silky brutality’ (35), but that silk is only honourable in appearance: he only insists the Doctor draw his sword when confident he can easily best him, and he only views his opponent’s failure ‘to switch his electro-sword to killing-strength’ (36) as a ‘sign of contempt’ (37), and so perhaps as an insult to the nobility of the duel, because his focus is so utterly on destroying his enemies. His villainy is sufficiently transparent that even the Archimandrite, so pliable to Grendel’s demands for so much of the story, ‘seize[s] his moment’ to crown Reynart when it so surprisingly presents itself; his honour is only just sufficient that he allows the coronation rather than utterly flouting tradition (38).
The tension between status-sanctioned exploitation and superficial nobility lies behind a possible moment of bite Dicks sneaks into Doctor Who and the Androids of Tara. Reflecting on how the peasants possess technical skills on which the nobility rely but in which they will not involve themselves, the Doctor considers how ‘A medieval knight had to know how to use a sword, but no one expected him to be able to make one’ (39). What’s interesting here is that the medieval relationship doesn’t quite fit the situation on Tara –the knight would himself have been in service to a noble and was expected to be as specialised at fighting as the blacksmith was at forging swords. The pay-off comes with the second analogy, in which Victorian naval engineers were viewed by their superiors ‘as a lower form of life’, where the relationship between roles is completely ignored in favour of the clearly awful attitude of those of higher rank. The medieval example is how the nobility of Tara like to see themselves; the Victorian example is what they are – and it’s tempting to think the latter era was chosen because The Prisoner of Zenda was written and set in 1894.
If this seems a tenuous reading of Dicks’s insertion, or if it feels less applicable to Reynart’s contingent than Grendel’s, take a look at why the Doctor resigns himself to accepting Reynart’s payment, reasoning that a person who isn’t coerced by either money or force won’t be trusted (40). If Grendel can’t imagine any action being motivated other than by ambition, this offers an insight into what motivates the likes of Zadek and Farrah. Tellingly, it appears Fisher himself went in a completely different direction for his 2012 audio adaptation (41).
Alongside this, and more in line with the broadcast episodes, attention is drawn to the androids as an exploited underclass. On TV, the Doctor repeatedly asserts an android perspective on relations between man and machine (42); in the novelisation, this is slightly expanded upon, androids revealed to ‘work in the factories and the mines, till the fields’ in the face of ‘a good deal of prejudice’ (43). For all it’s a rip-roaring romp, Doctor Who and the Androids of Tara is very happy to highlight that the society portrayed, one analogous to the golden age of chivalry and compared with the heyday of the British empire, it rotten to the core. No wonder the Doctor spends the entire story happy to simply walk away from it all if he can only get his hands on Romana and the segment and even concedes that maybe it’s not always worth ‘getting mixed up in other people’s problems’ (44).
1 Based on the Popular Television Series, ed. Paul Smith
2 epguides.com/DoctorWho
​
3. ‘If I fail to appear at precisely the right moment it will be taken that the stars do not favour my accession’
4. “One of Grendel’s men,” whispered Zadek. “It seems the Count knew about the tunnel after all”’
5. ‘Although Grendel had posted men all round the Pavilion, most of them had converged on the front entrance, in response to Grendel’s call to attack’
6. ‘“Master?” called K9. “You have forgotten to secure the boat!”’
7. ‘It had coarse black fur, slavering jaws filled with yellow, pointed teeth and a stubby horn projecting from the centre of its forehead. A mixture of bear, ape and boar’
8. ‘The Doctor looked at the enormous white building below them, its innumerable towers and turrets crowded inside an encircling wall. Flags were flying, guards patrolled the ramparts and an endless line of people on horseback and on foot, wound its way through the main gates’
9. ‘Madame Lamia gets gunned down, and it’s the only death in the entire story’
Toby Hadoke and Robert Shearman, Running through Corridors 2; p.340
10. ‘DOCTOR: Will he recover? FARRAH: In a few hours’ (chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/16-4.htm)
11. ‘The guard swung round and saw a tall young man with a sword in his hand. It was the last thing he saw’
12. ‘Four of the guards died before they realised what was happening, and the rest found themselves fighting for their lives’
13. ‘Zadek disposed of his opponent with relative ease’
14. ‘Farrah’s man fell’
15. ‘Zadek thrust low, and another of Grendel’s guards screamed and died’
16. ‘A savage slash from Farrah disposed of his opponent. Only two guards left now’
17. ‘Not that Romana was familiar with these Earth animals. She wasn’t familiar with animals of any kind. Before joining up with the Doctor she had spent her life in the vast Time Lord city-complex called the Capitol’
18. ‘You don’t really want me to go on my own?’
19. ‘she began to feel uneasy. The trees seemed to crowd round her menacingly, and the canopy of leaves overhead reduced the sunlight to a dim green shade’
20. ‘I can tell you this—I shall not get myself involved in things that don’t concern me, in the way that some people do!’
21. ‘None of those ridiculous irrelevant adventures he always got mixed up in...’
22. ‘just because I once showed her a certain courtesy’ (chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/16-4.htm)
23. ‘Just because I once showed her a certain courtesy, she had hopes of becoming my Countess’
24. ‘puzzled by the tension between them. It was obvious that they were more to each other than master and servant—and something else was obvious too. For all her fiercely independent spirit, Madame Lamia was frightened of the Count’
25. ‘Madame Lamia’s eyes flashed angrily, but she said nothing, standing quite still under Count Grendel’s touch’
26. ‘Her tone was respectful, but only just’
27. ‘Madame Lamia gave a little hiss of anger’
28. ‘In that case, you may keep your pretty head on your body, my dear. I have a use for both!’
29. ‘Well, you can keep your head, my dear. I may have a better use for it’ (chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/16-4.htm)
30. ‘Count Grendel gave his sinisterly charming smile. “Ah, but you won’t, my dear. I can be very persuasive. Aren’t I a lucky man to have a choice of two such beautiful women for my bride?”’ compared with ‘Oh, but you won't. Aren't I a lucky man to have two such beautiful women as my bride?’ (chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/16-4.htm)
31. ‘Count Grendel sat on a throne in the great hall of Castle Gracht. He had ordered the throne to be made some time ago; it would come in handy when Castle Gracht was a Royal Residence’
32. ‘a kind of reluctant admiration for Count Grendel’s consistency. All in all, he’d seldom met a more thoroughgoing villain in all his lives’
33. ‘Count Grendel had assumed he was some mountebank friend of Prince Reynart, and left him with the others. It was galling to think he could have killed him then with ease—instead of leaving him alive to spoil his plans’
34. ‘now he was fighting in retreat, waiting for the moment to spring aside, and have the Doctor shot down’
35. ‘said Count Grendel with a kind of silky brutality’
36. ‘Grendel looked down in astonishment, wondering why he wasn’t dead. He realised that the Doctor hadn’t even bothered to switch his electro-sword to killing-strength’
37. ‘Enraged by this sign of contempt, Grendel sprang forward with renewed fury’
38. ‘The Archimandrite seized his moment. He had never cared much for Count Grendel, and he knew that despite the presence of his guards, even the Count would not dare to flout tradition completely’
39. ‘Perhaps it wasn’t so very strange after all. A medieval knight had to know how to use a sword, but no one expected him to be able to make one. Even in Queen Victoria’s navy, Engineering Officers had been regarded as a lower form of life’
40. ‘“If you think I can be bought—” began the Doctor angrily, then stopped himself. If he refused their money, these fools would simply offer him more. If that didn’t work, they would try to force him to help them by threats. Simpler to take the money, do the job and go’
41. ‘The Doctor gets Reinhart to pay for his services by giving him a fishing licence’ (https://tardis.fandom.com/wiki/The_Androids_of_Tara_(audio_story))
42. ‘Farrah nodded. “It’s a funny thing, but there’s something about androids... I know it’s silly, but somehow they make me uneasy. You know what I mean...” The Doctor nodded. “A lot of people feel that way about androids. Mind you, a lot of androids feel that way about people!”’ AND ‘Zadek lowered his voice. “Well, don’t make him too intelligent Doctor. You can’t really trust androids you know.” “A lot of androids I know say that about humans”’ – both more-or-less faithful reproductions of the TV episodes
43. ‘They work in the factories and the mines, till the fields. There’s still a good deal of prejudice against them though. The noble families won’t even have them as servants’
44. ‘Romana was quite right, he thought ruefully. He really must stop getting mixed up in other people’s problems’
Height Attack
Romana’s ‘A tall, elegantly beautiful young woman’, the Taran Wood Beast’s ‘a good eight feet tall’, Grendel’s ‘tall, broad shouldered and heavily moustached’, Lamia’s ‘A tall, dark-haired woman’, Farrah’s ‘a tall young man’, Sergeant Kurster’s a ‘giant’ and the Doctor, eventually, is a ‘tall figure’
Dicksisms
‘With a wheezing groaning sound, the TARDIS dematerialised’
Revenge of the Educational Remit
‘Who by? Sorry, I mean, by whom?’
Miscellania
‘K9 shook his head sadly’ – I’d have loved to have seen that
K9 descriptions are always a joy: ‘K9 gave a brief electronic gurgle of satisfaction’
Especially his sulk after being left adrift on the moat: ‘They drew K9 in, soothed his ruffled feelings, and headed for the TARDIS’
The statue that’s revealed as the fourth segment is of ‘a
vaguely dragon-like heraldic beast’ rather than, as on TV, a
bloke with a sword standing over a vanquished dragon
‘The Doctor woke up and found that his hat was on fire’ –
now there’s a sentence
‘“I know—I’m poaching! I’m sorry I didn’t ask permission,
but I didn’t see any “No Fishing” notices […] Anyway, I
didn’t catch anything, if that’s any help. See for yourself,
nothing in the basket, nothing on the hook […] Not even
bait,” he added ruefully’ – that’s a great line, sadly not in
the broadcast episodes
A nice bit of personality for Romana’s horse: ‘trying to remember the way Count Grendel had mounted, she scrambled into the saddle. The horse, a stolid, well-trained battle charger endured all this quite patiently’
And a suggestion that she has very little to do with the journey on which it takes her: ‘kicked the horse in the ribs. It was a feeble enough kick but it was the signal the horse had been waiting for’
‘“we’ve got some rather important business. I suggest you get back into your own clothes and come and help me.” “The segment,” gasped Romana. She hurried into the next cell, and began changing’ – it does undermine the sense of duty and urgency when you draw attention to the fact she gets changed first, especially when ‘began changing’ suggests a rather protracted process
The climactic fight has a few interesting little changes:
-
Before it even starts, the Doctor accepts Farrah’s sword – ‘he took the sword, tied a knot in his coat-belt, and thrust the sword through it’ – rather than refusing it and then taking a different one in the castle
-
Perhaps not so much a difference as a lovely bit of Dicks: ‘Count Grendel took up the classic fencing stance, left hand on his hip for balance, right hand and right foot extended. The Doctor stood looking down at the sword in his own hand as if he was wondering how it had got there, and what it was for...’
-
Pleasingly, Dicks has no time for all this Doctor-returns-their-sword-to-a-defeated-opponent nonsense, Grendel instead retrieving his own sword: ‘Count Grendel gave him an unbelieving look, then snatched up the sword and returned to the attack’
Are You Sitting Comfortably..?
‘For once in his long career the Doctor was embarked, not upon a series of random adventures, but on one continuous quest’
‘Another part of their dangerous quest was over—but there were still two more segments to be found’
‘The Doctor and his friends were on their way’