Doctor Who's Putrid Ham
A quest through the Dr Who novelisations
"The excellent ham of Doctor Who is more than a little off"
1974 Times Literary Supplement review of Doctor Who and the Crusaders (quoted from David J Howe's The Target Book)
"Your monster's on the loose!"
JUNIOR DOCTOR WHO AND THE BRAIN OF MORBIUS
by Terrance Dicks
First published 27 June 1980 (1), between The Horns of Nimon and The Leisure Hive (2)
Junior Doctor Who and the Giant Robot focused on the Doctor to the near-exclusion of everyone and everything else. As the (so they must have hoped)
opener for a new range and the
introductory story to a new Doctor, it just
about got away with it. Junior Doctor
Who and the Brain of Morbius does much
the same. It does make sense that,
pursuing a lower wordcount, all the lovely
stuff with Kriz at the beginning is gone; it
makes less sense that Solon’s promise to
replace Condo’s missing arm never gets a
mention until it becomes a cause for
conflict, nor that Condo’s affection for
Sarah is never hinted at, but he still
sacrifices himself saving her life. Strangest of all, as far as I can tell, Maren never throws herself into the sacred flame; the Doctor simply chooses to suddenly ignore her completely in favour of Ohica after he takes the last of the elixir.
As the same issues therefore apply to both books, let’s skip straight to what words Dicks feels are beyond younger readers. A by-no-means comprehensive list includes: ‘ominous’ (3), ‘sprinted’ (4), ‘immune’ and ‘torrential’ (5), ‘premonition’ (6), ‘ingratiating’ (7), ‘decanted’, plus all talk of letting wine breathe (8), ‘malicious’ and ‘distressing’ (9), ‘visible’ (10), ‘beserk’ (11), ‘congregated’ (12), ‘menaced’ (13), ‘gifted’, ‘physician’ (14) and ‘maniac’ (15), ‘transplant’ (16), definitely ‘rummaged’ and maybe ‘disintegrating’ (17), ‘anaesthetic’ (18), ‘dismantling’ (19), ‘impassively’ (20), ‘Blasphemer’ (21), definitely ‘torso’, possibly ‘artificial’ and bizarrely ‘take’ (22), transparent (23), whimsical (24) and, repeatedly, crypt (25). There’s also some cases where the wordcount may be the issue more than youthful comprehension, quite probably in the cases of ‘extraordinarily’ (26), ‘a fraction’ (27), ‘spineless parasites’ (28) and ‘artistically’ (29). The same motive is less probable but still possible in the cases of ‘telekinetic’ (30), ‘a hasty farewell’ (31), the phrase ‘his intelligence is not of the highest’ (32), plus ‘vapour’ and the suffix ‘ish’ (33).
Some changes are harder to fathom. Presumably Morbius now turns rather than swinging for the sake of
brevity (34). Similarly, that
might be why Solon now
‘examined’, rather than
‘looking over’ some things
(35), even though that brings
in slightly more advanced
vocabulary, and ‘materialised’
(36) must have just been too
long considering it appears
intact later (37). It’s possible
that Dicks thought the word
‘rampage’ beyond the
youngest, but it also might be that he thought the humour of referring to an insane monster as ‘Your [friend]’ (38) might go over their heads, much as an unusual addition, Solon stating plainly that the Doctor’s head shall be Morbius’s head (39), suggests Dicks felt Solon’s machinations might be getting a little too murky. Beyond me is why, when cutting down Sarah’s blind encounter with the brain, Dicks favours Morbius’s initial ‘silence’ over his later ‘howl of anger’ when bridging to his increasingly panicked questions (40). Similarly, the substitution of ‘total’ with the longer and more advanced ‘complete’ (41) is a mystery and I have no idea why a ‘shaft’ is better than a ‘duct’ (42).
More subtle decisions include what seems to be a decision about the level of violence, Condo now getting whacked ‘across the ear’ rather than the face (43), and the use of the past perfect (44), though that doesn’t explain why the procession’s now ‘long’. Also, and in the same vein as Junior Doctor Who and the Giant Robot, pronouns get special attention, often swapped out for the repetition of names (45), with mysterious teases, such as the ‘black-robed figure’ that’s initially an ‘It’ becoming a ‘woman’ and a ‘She’ (46), getting ironed out.
What would be interesting would be to compare Dicks’s editing choices with BBC Enterprises’s. The 1984 release was cut down to around an hour’s duration and, though Christopher Barry, interviewed by In-Vision, thinks this was just lazy opportunism seizing on the 1976 omnibus repeat’s existence (47), BroaDWcast states the video was home to further cuts (48) with TARDIS Data Core suggesting an eye on ‘young viewers’ was the motivation (49). This would make the 1984 video and Junior Doctor Who and the Brain of Morbius two separate attempts at tweaking the same story for a similar audience. Unfortunately, my memories of watching a library-loaned copy of the cut-down version are pretty faded and there seem to be no copies of it online (and it’s not included on the DVD release).
All of which leaves this a short one. However, much as Target did, perhaps the best response to the Junior Doctor Who range is simply to move on quickly and pretend it never happened.
1. Based on the Popular Television Series, ed. Paul Smith
2. epguides.com/DoctorWho
3. ‘That sounds ominous’ -> ‘That sounds nasty’
4. ‘The Doctor sprinted towards her’ -> ‘The Doctor hurried towards her’
5. ‘seemingly immune to the howling winds and lashing torrential rain’ -> ‘seeming not to notice the howling winds and lashing rain’
6. ‘Can it be as I have feared? For months I have been haunted by a premonition’ -> ‘Can it be as I have feared? For months I have been haunted by a fear’
7. ‘an ingratiating smile on his face’ -> ‘a welcoming smile on his face’
8. ‘This wine should be opened and decanted, to allow it to breathe’ -> ‘This wine should be opened and poured into a jug’
9. ‘Malicious rumours, Doctor. Academic jealousy, you know. It was all very distressing’ -> ‘Evil rumours, Doctor. It was all very sad’
10. ‘the clay bust was visible once more’ -> ‘the clay bust could be seen once more’
11. ‘Solon was almost beserk with rage’ -> ‘Solon was almost mad with rage’
12. ‘Black-robed figures congregated around the Doctor’ -> ‘Black-robed figures crowded around the Doctor’
13. ‘Ohica menaced him with her blazing torch’ -> ‘Ohica threatened him with her blazing torch’
14. ‘he's a very gifted physician’ -> ‘he's a very fine Doctor’
15. ‘He's a gifted maniac’ -> ‘He's a madman’
16. ‘You must transplant me into it’ -> ‘You must put this brain into it’
17. ‘Solon went to a corner locker and rummaged amongst shelves piled high with disintegrating equipment’ -> ‘Solon went to a corner locker and looked amongst the shelves piled high with equipment’
18. ‘We must get him back to the laboratory before the anaesthetic-dart wears off’ -> ‘We must get him back to the laboratory before the sleep-dart wears off’
19. ‘Solon's dismantling him now’ -> ‘Solon's taking him to bits’
20. ‘Maren sat impassively on her throne’ -> ‘Maren sat silent on her throne’
21. ‘Blasphemer!’ -> ‘Lies!’
22. ‘ I'm going to take the brain of Morbius in this artificial case, and fix it to the torso of the body I've created’ -> ‘I'm going to put the brain of Morbius in this case, and fix it to the body I've made’
23. ‘fixed the headset to his transparent brain-case’ -> ‘fixed the headset to his new brain-case’
24. ‘a dark-haired little man with a whimsical expression’ -> ‘a dark-haired little man with a kind expression’
25. ‘6 The Horror in the Crypt’ -> ‘6 The Horror in the Cellar’
26. ‘An extraordinarily long scarf’ -> ‘A very long scarf’
27. ‘Every day it sinks a fraction lower’ -> ‘Every day it sinks lower’
28. ‘The Time Lords are spineless parasites’ -> ‘The Time Lords are fools’
29. ‘Solon sighed artistically’ -> ‘Solon sighed’ – rather loses the detail that he’s lying
30. ‘their wretched telekinetic tricks’ -> ‘their wretched tricks’
31. ‘the Doctor was saying a hasty farewell to Sarah’ -> ‘the Doctor said goodbye to Sarah’
32. ‘I fear his intelligence is not of the highest’ -> ‘not very bright, I fear’
33. ‘Solon failed to notice a thin thread of greyish vapour’ -> ‘Solon failed to notice a thin thread of grey smoke’
34. ‘The Monster swung round’ -> ‘The Monster turned’
35. ‘Solon was looking over the contents of the tray’ -> ‘He examined the contents of the tray’
36. ‘materialised out of the air’ -> ‘appeared’
37. ‘A square blue shape materialised’ -> ‘A square blue shape materialised’
38. ‘Your friend's on the rampage!’ - > ‘Your monster's on the loose!’
39. ‘I have asked only that the Sisters give me his head...’ -> ‘I have asked only that the Sisters give me his head. It shall be your head, on the new body I have made for you’
40. ‘Sarah groped her way inside the room. “Who is it? What's the matter?” There was an astonished silence. Slowly the voice said, “Who are you?” […] “I'll wait with you until Solon comes…” The response was a howl of anger. “Where have you come from?”’ -> ‘Sarah groped her way inside the room. “Who is it? What's the matter?” There was silence. Slowly the voice said, “Where have you come from?”’
41. ‘Solon's laboratory was now a total wreck’ -> ‘Solon's laboratory was now a complete wreck’
42. ‘The Doctor pulled a rack of shelves away from the wall to reveal a tiny ventilation duct’ -> ‘The Doctor pulled a rack of shelves away from the wall to reveal a tiny ventilation shaft’
43. ‘cuffed Condo savagely across the face’ -> ‘cuffed Condo savagely across the ear’
44. ‘a procession of black-robed figures had been making its way towards Solon's castle’ -> ‘A long procession of black-robed figures was making its way towards Solon's castle’ – and even the past perfect
45. To give just two examples: ‘Maren smiled grimly, unfolded the note and read it. She passed it to Ohica’ -> ‘Maren smiled grimly, unfolded the note and read it. Maren passed it to Ohica’ AND ‘that they would send someone’ -> ‘that the Time Lords would send someone’
46. ‘The black-robed figure […] It’ -> ‘A robed woman […] She’
47. ‘I think the people that make the videograms for BBC Enterprises knew that there was a short versions, and said “Let’s bung this on a cassette and sell it”’
Christopher Barry, In-Vision 12; p.9
48. ‘The edited-down 1976 repeat was cut further to fit a standard 60 minute video cassette, and released on VHS and Beta in 1984’
broadwcast.org/index.php/The_Brain_of_Morbius
49. ‘initial home-video releases of The Brain of Morbius used a heavily edited omnibus movie print, with a running time of less than an hour. This was apparently in an attempt to make the serial acceptable for young viewers (in the US it was released on Playhouse, a children's imprint of the CBS Fox label)’
I'm not sure Peter Edwards has read the Junior edition
The most dynamic thing in the whole book
Miscellania
It's hard to decide who comes off worse out of Condo and Maren...
Haii!
It appears blindness is synonymous with zombification