Doctor Who's Putrid Ham
A quest through the Dr Who novelisations
"The excellent ham of Doctor Who is more than a little off"
1974 Times Literary Supplement review of Doctor Who and the Crusaders (quoted from David J Howe's The Target Book)
"More to pass the time than for any definite reason, the Doctor started to dismantle it"
DOCTOR WHO AND THE LOCH NESS MONSTER
by Terrance Dicks
First published 15 January 1976 (1), between The Brain of Morbius Parts Two and Three (2)
Height Attack
The Zygons may be 'squat' and 'about the size of a small man', but the Caber is 'A huge figure' and the monster has a 'huge body with [...] two low humps, [...] two pairs of flippers front and rear, and [a] flat, powerful tail'
Beloved as ‘Terror of the Zygons’ is, that tends to be attributed to how it’s done rather than what it does. Toby Hadoke basically credits its success to Douglas Camfield, for example, while Rob Shearman widens that to acknowledge the ‘design and music’ (3). The latter also identifies the script as ‘little more than functional, with some downright clunky bits’, which doesn’t bode well for a novelisation published a mere four months after the episodes’ broadcast, meaning Dicks is unlikely to have seen any of that good work – stuff which was unlikely to translate brilliantly to prose anyway.
Come Part Four, though, Shearman starts to see a parody of ‘the standard Doctor Who story’ forming (4), a reading El Sandifer runs even further with. She argues that ‘Terror of the Zygons’ functions as a ‘critique’ of Pertwee era staples. Now, admittedly a lot of that ‘equalling and bettering’ is said to revolve around ‘action scenes’ and ‘production values’ but there’s also a suggestion that the story is deliberately ‘utterly stupid’ (5).
Dicks clearly shared the same view as Sandifer and Shearman because Doctor Who and the Loch Ness Monster is far closer to what they’re describing than ‘Terror of the Zygons’. This is clearest in his treatment of Broton, whose every declaration of death to the Doctor is italicised just to emphasise the failure that follows: ‘He must be killed!” (6), he rants (he isn’t); ‘I will make certain that you die’ (7), he announces (he doesn’t); the Doctor and his friends are not simply going to be ‘destroyed’ but ‘Totally destroyed’ (8) (they’re not); and even his joyful ejaculations as the Skarasen closes in on the Doctor (‘Kill him […] Kill him!’ (9)) are followed by his losing transmission and just assuming the Doctor must be dead. The Doctor is not dead.
But this isn’t just italicised incompetence, it’s a character flaw. Harry identifies the Zygons’ arrogance as ‘colossal’ (10), which can only mean it’s misplaced and prone to topple, and, in Chapter 10, Broton is described as boastful three times in quick succession and on each occasion undermined (11). There is clearly a gap between the Zygons’ perception of themselves and reality, one Dicks makes literal when Broton imagines himself as the mighty Skarasen ‘looking down from his mighty height at the puny figure of the Doctor’ (12), actually ‘a very tall man’ (13) in contrast to the Zygons’ small stature (14).
Dicks seizes on the availability of interior monologue to prise this gap open as wide as possible. It all starts when, with Harry his prisoner, Broton decides to ‘overawe this primitive creature’ and ‘see his fear’ (15) but utterly fails to elicit the ‘proper reactions’ (16). Harry in fact remains ‘totally unimpressed’ (17). Broton then tries again with the Doctor, unable to resist the urge to ‘overawe [him] with the might of Zygon technology’ because he feels something is ‘missing’ from his impending glory (18). This time he’s even further undermined as he insists to himself that ‘the prisoner [is] expressing proper sentiments’ even as he recognises the ‘air of mockery’ which makes clear the Doctor very much isn’t (19). What’s more, these conversations, initiated entirely and unnecessarily off his own back despite his own insistence that ‘Unnecessary speech is forbidden’ (20), achieve nothing but to ‘shake [Broton’s own] composure’ (21).
Clichéd and empty lines from the TV script become, through the prism of Dicks’s prose, a coherent expression of how Broton’s over-inflated self-image is instrumental to his behaviour and failure. Broton isn’t engaging in hollow villain-gloating, even as this is explicitly what he thinks he’s doing in his head, he’s desperately trying to assert his perception of himself and the Zygons as ‘all-powerful’ (22) to compensate for the fact they’re actually rather crap villains. And they really are crap, not in the sense of being sub-standard Doctor Who villains but in the sense of being bad at vilainy. When they imprison Harry, far from softening him up or putting him on edge, the effect on him is nothing more than ‘sheer boredom’ such that he embraces his gaolers’ return ‘almost eagerly’ (23). The Doctor, meanwhile, ends up able to release the Zygons’ prisoners and destroy their ship with ease just because Broton ‘didn't listen’ (24) when the Doctor revealed his alien origins (25). They’ve even got a rubbish ship and somehow make that common knowledge (26). Above all, it’s strongly hinted that the Zygons really don’t have a plan for conquering the Earth beyond demonstrating their ‘power’ to the human population (27).
Dicks does actually do a bit of repair work on the Zygons, though it’s all concentrated on the sequence around when they capture the Doctor – not only does Broton successfully engineer a ‘trap’ (28) for Sarah but also an ‘ambush’ (29) for the Doctor (though catching the latter seems to rely on relinquishing the former and Harry and I’m not quite sure why). When the Doctor reflects that he might have misjudged the situation, reflecting on the Zygons’ ‘savage hostility’ and ruing that all his cleverness may have actually helped their cause (30), the fact that Broton can’t really be reasoned with, doesn’t really know what he’s doing and is just really angry becomes in itself the threat – the fact that the Zygons are basically comical makes it more not less likely that people are going to get hurt.
This ties in rather nicely with the one bit where Dicks turns the critique away from the Pertwee era and onto the new Doctor, who seems to feel the problems of UNIT are now somewhat beneath him. The Brigadier has to assert his increasingly rarely seen authority, speaking with a ‘voice that silenced even the Doctor’, and impress on his now rather cavalier scientific advisor the importance of saving lives (31). This isn’t a matter of the Doctor being played as more alien – he’s implied to admit he’s wrong – but as a man who gets so wrapped up in his own cleverness that he loses sight of important details.
Not that this moral stand is indicative of any wholesale restoration of the Brigadier’s dignity. Again using interior monologue, Dicks takes a brief exchange between the Brig and Corporal Palmer (32) and laces each ‘Sir!’ (33) with an expression of Palmer’s exasperation at his superior (34). The suggestion seems to be that the Brigadier’s all bluster, getting unnecessarily under his men’s feet and requesting the routine and, in this case, already-done. What’s more, where on screen the Brigadier snaps because of frustration at a lack of news, in the novelisation his irritation seems to derive from his corporal being ‘too efficient’ (35), rendering him surplus to requirements and leaving him too little to do (36).
Dicks also emphasises this Tardis crew’s abilities, negating their need for the Brigadier and his men: Harry’s pre-UNIT role as a naval doctor is called into action as he looks through medical reports (37); Sarah’s trade as a journalist (38) is employed to scour the village for clues about what’s going on (39); and the Doctor’s still throwing himself around like the one-man army introduced in Doctor Who and the Giant Robot. This feels a far more apt time to be throwing the military organisation under the bus than that earlier book – Tom Baker, Philip Hinchcliffe and Robert Holmes have shown their vision of Doctor Who to be just as successful as Pertwee, Letts and Dicks’s, ‘The Seeds of Doom’ is just around the corner on TV to sign off once and for all on the last vestiges of UNIT and the Pertwee era (especially its UNIT stories) is about to become far less focal to the Target range. After Doctor Who and the Dinosaur Invasion, there’s going to be five books before the next third Doctor adventure and 12 before he’s next shown on contemporary Earth. It seems the UNIT years have been exhausted.
Tory Who
‘Like a fox detected, by hounds, the Zygon ran frantically through the woods, a squad of excited UNIT soldiers hallooing behind. The hunt was on!’
Sarah is simply described as ‘a very pretty girl’
Dicks resexes the PM to male
Dicksisms
‘With a strange, wheezing, groaning sound, the blue police box materialised on the bleak windswept hillside’
‘A curious groaning, wheezing noise filled the air, and the blue police box faded away’
‘their companion, that mysterious traveller in Time and Space known only as 'The Doctor'’
References I Didn’t Get
‘muddy shooting brake’ - basically an estate car, the name derived from being a vehicle that was practical for hobby-shooting (www.carwow.co.uk/guides/glossary/what-is-a-shooting-brake)
‘the Duke’s ghillie’ - in Caber’s case, I think Dicks just means a general attendant (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gillie)
Leftie Who
‘a packed mob of VIPs milled and jostled, enjoying their free champagne at the reception’ AND ‘delegates muttered and grumbled over their Government champagne’
1 tardis.wikia.com/wiki/Doctor_Who_and_the_Loch_Ness_Monster_(novelisation)
2 http://epguides.com/DoctorWho/
3 ‘T: Douglas Camfield is directing this as a horror film […] Camfield is the key to this episode’s success […] R: The script is really little more than functional, with some downright clunky bits […] But the direction, design and music are extraordinary, and this episode just drips with atmosphere’
Toby Hadoke and Robert Shearman, Running Through Corridors, Vol. 2; pp205-6
4 ‘R: In its final reel, Terror of the Zygons returns to the standard Doctor Who story model, and sends it up quite deliberately. […] for this single episode only! – it does feel that the script and performances are doing their level best to exaggerate those tropes and find them wanting’
5 ‘This isn't a parody of Pertwee. It's a critique. The Pertwee tropes are being mocked for their poor understanding of 1970s Britain […] The entire story is about how utterly stupid the story is […] The show goes out of its way to have this story not only be a scathing critique of the UNIT era but to also be the best UNIT story in memory [… with] an amped up and visceral feel to the action scenes that the Pertwee era hasn't had since Action by Havoc was still a novelty […] The production values are, in other words, equalling or bettering past UNIT stories, making the undermining of them all the more effective’
Elizabeth Sandifer, Tardis Eruditorum, www.eruditorumpress.com/blog/forms-into-other-patterns-terror-of-the-zygons
6 ‘Broton switched off his monitor screen with a hiss of rage. “This one they call the Doctor is a threat to us. Already he has discovered too much. He must be killed!”’
7 ‘You are too clever, Doctor—and too dangerous. This time I will make certain that you die’
8 ‘This Doctor and his friends must be destroyed. Totally destroyed. Programme the Skarasen to attack’
9 ‘“Kill him,” hissed Broton. “Kill him!”’
10 ‘Harry was struck by the note of colossal arrogance in the voice. Whatever these weird things were, they certainly thought a lot of themselves’
11 Harry: ‘He did a lot of boasting but nothing specific. I got the idea he's planning some great gesture of destruction, something to make the world sit up and notice him’ – the lack of specificity matters because the Zygon plan is rubbish. It’s never at all convincing that their actions could lead to them taking over the Earth and there’s a strong feeling that they just haven’t really thought it through – ‘For all his boastings, the patched-up, crippled ship couldn't last much longer. That was why he had reacted so violently to the Doctor's taunts’ – here his boasting is just a result of his anger that he’s got a crap spaceship – AND ‘As the Doctor had guessed, Broton was unable to resist the opportunity for more boasting’ – the boasting here is specifically a flaw, allowing the Doctor to wheedle more information out of him
12 Broton’s short-man syndrome gets full outlet: ‘Broton meanwhile was preparing to enjoy the death of the Doctor from a front row seat. A special monitor screen, linked to the optical system of the Skarasen, showed him the scene on the moor through the monster's eyes. Broton felt as if he was the Skarasen, looking down from his mighty height at the puny figure of the Doctor’
13 ‘a very tall man, untidily dressed in a strange assortment of vaguely bohemian-looking garments’
14 ‘a squat, powerful figure about the size of a small man’
15 ‘Broton glared angrily at him, tempted to blast down this insolent human. Then it struck him that it might be amusing to overawe this primitive creature with the might of Zygon technology, to see his fear when he knew the fate that awaited his planet’
16 ‘Suddenly Broton tired of his sport. The human was failing to show the proper reactions. He should have been pleading for mercy by now’
17 ‘Broton looked expectantly at Harry, waiting to see him collapse in terror. To his disappointment the human seemed totally unimpressed. “I seem to have heard that one before,” said Harry. “How do you propose to set about it?”’ Actually, Dicks sadly ruins the effect of all this by having Harry unconvincingly collapse in terror at the sight of the Zygons’ shape-shifting abilities: ‘Harry watched. This time there was real fear in his eyes. “No,” he cried. “No!” He watched in sheer horror as the Zygon took on its new form’ – I don’t remember this from the TV episodes so it might even be an addition by Dicks
18 ‘Broton stood brooding for a moment. Everything was going well. His plans were almost complete. Soon this entire planet would be his—yet something was missing. He needed to tell someone of his cleverness, to overawe someone with the might of Zygon technology. There was only one suitable candidate—the Doctor. Broton decided to make one last attempt to bring his prisoner to a properly respectful frame of mind’
19 ‘Broton looked at him suspiciously. At last the prisoner was expressing proper sentiments—though still with an air of mockery’
20 ‘Unnecessary speech is forbidden here’
21 ‘Broton hissed angrily. Once more the discussion was beginning wrongly. Something about this primitive being always seemed to shake his composure’
22 ‘Again Broton wondered why this primitive being failed to show the proper terrified reaction. Perhaps another demonstration of the all-powerful might of Zygon technology would make him realise his insignificance’
23 Harry: ‘He was in no particular discomfort, and during the long wait sheer boredom had driven away his fear. He looked up almost eagerly when Broton and another Zygon strode up to him’
24 ‘The Zygons strode from the cell, giving no further thought to the body of the Doctor, not even bothering to close the cell door. Once they were gone, the Doctor opened his eyes. The trouble with Broton was that he simply didn't listen. After all, thought the Doctor, I did tell him I wasn't human’
25 ‘Broton ignored the first part of this remark. Since these primitives had not yet achieved true space-flight, everyone on the planet must be human, except of course for the all-conquering Zygons’ – Dicks brushes over this rather quickly but Broton’s reasoning is appalling. He accepts in the very same sentence that aliens can be present on Earth despite humans’ inability to travel to other inhabited planets and yet the humans’ limited space programme is why he dismisses the Doctor’s claim. And it all hinges on the fact that the Zygons, being ‘all-conquering’, must be the only species able to have come to Earth, so ties right back in with the blind arrogance
26 Harry: 'Where can they be heading? Broton said their ship was crippled'
27 ‘The Doctor shook his head. “You underestimate the human race, Broton. They'll never consent to be slaves of the Zygons.” “They will, Doctor—once I have demonstrated my power”’
28 ‘Just as he'd thought, the girl had come to spy on him. Now she had fallen into his trap’
29 ‘“The Doctor has fallen into my ambush,” he said in a gloating voice. “We are leaving in our space-ship, and taking him with us”’
30 ‘By revealing how much he knew of their plans, by letting them see how determined the Brigadier was to attack them, the Doctor had hoped to bluff the aliens into seeking a peaceful solution. He'd even agreed to let Sarah stay at the Castle, feeling that he and the Duke had reached a sort of unspoken truce. Now, after seeing the struck-down UNIT soldier and the murdered Angus, the Doctor was having second thoughts. Perhaps the aliens were more savagely hostile than he had realised. Perhaps, by being too clever, he had endangered Sarah's life’
31 ‘“Oil, an emergency?” said the Doctor disdainfully […] There was an edge to the Brigadier's voice that silenced even the Doctor. “It isn't only a question of the oil, though I won't deny that's important. These rigs carry a large crew. So far three rigs have been destroyed—and there have been no survivors. Don't you think we ought to solve this mystery before more men die?” […] Then the Doctor spoke in a very different tone. “Yes, of course,” he said. “You were quite right to send for me.” One thing about the Doctor, thought Sarah, he never bothered about saving face. When he was wrong he admitted it, and went on from there’
32 unnamed on screen according to tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Recap/DoctorWhoS13E1TerrorOfTheZygons, though this might well have not been the case in the script
33 BRIGADIER: Corporal?
CORPORAL: Sir?
BRIGADIER: I'm still waiting for that liaison report. You're still in touch with the Coastguards?
CORPORAL: Sir.
BRIGADIER: Right. I want a twenty four hour watch kept on every inch of this coastline.
CORPORAL: Sir.
BRIGADIER: If the Doctor's right, if there is some sort of sea monster out there attacking the rigs, we've got to be ready for anything.
CORPORAL: Sir.
BRIGADIER: It could decide to come inland.
CORPORAL: Sir.
BRIGADIER: Can't you say anything else but sir?
CORPORAL: Sorry, sir. Fletcher's squad have reached McNab Point. They're setting up a listening watch now.
BRIGADIER: Good. Any news of the Doctor yet?
CORPORAL: No, sir. Hey.
(Smoke or gas is coming in under an internal door.)
BRIGADIER: What the devil?
(It's gas. Everyone coughs a bit then collapses.)
www.chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/13-1.htm
34 ‘“Yes, sir,” said Corporal Palmer patiently’, ‘Corporal Palmer sighed. He'd already set up liaison with Trinity House, the Coastguard and the Royal Navy. However, he refrained from pointing this out to the Brigadier, contenting himself with a brisk, efficient, “Sir!” as he got on with his work’, ‘“Sir!” said Palmer again, thinking they'd all be ready a lot sooner if the Brigadier would clear off and let them get on with it’ AND ‘“Sir!” said Palmer. He'd seen to all that half an hour ago’
35 ‘The Brigadier regarded him with some irritation. The super-efficient Palmer was invaluable, but it was possible to be too efficient. “Can't you say anything else but "Sir!"?” he demanded irritably. “Sorry, sir!”’
36 ‘Harry was missing. Sarah was missing. The Doctor and Benton had gone off to look for them, and now they were missing. For want of anything better to do, the Brigadier started harrying his H.Q. staff’
37 ‘Harry Sullivan, who had been a Naval doctor before joining UNIT, skimmed rapidly through the reports’ AND ‘Harry shuffled the papers together. “I'd like to take a look at them, if I may. And I'll need a chance to study these reports in more detail”’
38 ‘Sarah was an experienced journalist’
39 ‘If the village people did know anything about what was going on, Sarah was sure she could ferret it out’
Miscellania
‘Sarah looked again at the windswept landscape. “I don't care what he says, this isn't Earth.” Harry said gloomily, “Probably some benighted planet right on the far edge of the galaxy.” […] “We don't want to attract attention now we're in Scotland”’ – weren’t the Highlands thought a place of beauty in the 70s then?
Dicks is very good at little details like this: ‘the Brigadier was beginning to have second thoughts about his decision to celebrate his return to the land of his ancestors by wearing the kilt. He had a shrewd suspicion that he looked ridiculous. Benton and the rest of the men were just a little too straight-faced whenever they glanced at him’
And this: ‘More to pass the time than for any definite reason, the Doctor started to dismantle it with his sonic screwdriver. He'd already tried the door, but it was too tough. Meanwhile, even this little bit of sabotage was better than nothing’
‘the moon had already been reached, with interplanetary travel an inevitable next step’ – you old dreamer, Dicks
‘he's no' the Duke I remember. He's been a different man since the oil people came. All his servants left him, you see. There was more money to be earned at the base’ – bit of politics?
The description of the Zygons is lovely: ‘a squat, powerful figure about the size of a small man. Orange-green in colour, it had small, claw-like hands and feet. There was no neck: the big high-domed head seemed to grow directly from the bulbous torso. The face was terrifyingly alien, with huge, malevolent green eyes and a small, puckered mouth. A row of protuberances ran down its back. The really horrible thing about the creature was that it seemed to be a parody of the human form. It looked like a grotesque, evil baby’
And they’ve got their sting!: ‘a Zygon can use its power to 'sting' only when in its proper form’
Is this some sort of comment by Dicks on all the Tibetan Buddhism that’s been floating around?: ‘“just an old trick I learned from a Tibetan Monk” […] The Doctor moved over to Sarah, cupped her face in his hands, and gently stroked her forehead with his thumbs. He applied pressure to carefully selected points in her neck, gave her a hearty slap on the back, and Sarah came to life as if she'd been switched on’ – the age-old mystical technique involves carefully applied pressure and a ‘hearty slap on the back’??
‘Even in the bright morning sunlight, Forgill Castle looked like that place in Transylvania where Frankenstein carried out his dreadful experiments, and Count Dracula flitted round the battlements at sunset’ – is this a Hammer reference or something, mangling up Dracula and Frankenstein? Is it a dig at the Hinchcliffe house style? Or is it even a vent following the frustrations over scripting the ‘robot Frankenstein’ brief that became ‘The Brain of Morbius’?
And just because I like it: ‘First you suggest we're dealing with some kind of sea monster, then you say it's got false teeth’
