Doctor Who's Putrid Ham
A quest through the Dr Who novelisations
"The excellent ham of Doctor Who is more than a little off"
1974 Times Literary Supplement review of Doctor Who and the Crusaders (quoted from David J Howe's The Target Book)
"Some women can think almost as well as a man"
DOCTOR WHO AND THE TIME WARRIOR
by Terrance Dicks
First published 18 May 1978 (1), between The Invasion of Time and The Ribos Operation (2)
Everyone talks about how Linx is a reflection of the Doctor: El Sandifer describes him as ‘a specifically designed counterpart’ (3); Rob Shearman sees him as taking on ‘the role of the Doctor’, at least for the first episode (4); Tat Wood simply recaps his landing on Earth and allying with a local military group before archly asking ‘Sound familiar?’ (5). There’s certainly truth to this, and it’s a resonance the novelisation amplifies, UNIT’s sweaty wrestle with the Tardis (6) coming hot on the heels of Irongron’s men’s transportation of Linx’s ship (7) and the ‘eerie howling sound’ of the Sontaran ship (8) conveying a sinister, unsettling echo of the Tardis’s ‘familiar wheezing, groaning noise’ (9) that’s by now such a staple.
In the context of a Terrance Dicks novelisation though, and especially in the context of what he’s been doing with the character of the Doctor for quite a few books now, what’s noticeable is how little mileage the story gets from these echoes. Dicks has frequently emphasised the Doctor’s British imperial traits, and these are certainly traits ‘The Time Warrior’ gives to Linx: he is, for example, introduced through a ‘strange ritual’ where, upon landing on Earth, his first act is to plant a flag and play the Sontaran anthem (10), a scene the novelisation nicely amps up through the onlookers’ complete ‘puzzlement’ and ignorance of the apparent fact ‘the Earth had just been taken over’ (11). However, it’s difficult to find any equivalent moment for the Doctor, any moment where he asserts his worldview over that of the local population. The closest might come with his description of the Time Lords as ‘galactic ticket inspectors’, and his inclusion of himself in that ‘us’ that decides what paths various civilisations are and aren’t allowed to go down (12), but, in this story at least, all that means is cauterising Linx’s influence from human development rather than insisting on any one path himself.
That doesn’t mean the Doctor’s a completely non-imperial figure, but he isn’t the counterpart to Linx he might once have been. Where the Pertwee Doctor had previously been an alien stranded on Earth, desperate to escape, keen to use what scientific expertise and equipment he can get his hands on to repair his ship, he’s now a character who, post-exile, has ‘remained on Earth by choice rather than necessity’ and can disappear at will (13). This does allow a contrast between the relationships the Doctor and Linx have – the latter’s alliance simply a matter of mutual convenience, one which Irongron is happy to terminate via a ‘cunning plan’ the moment he has his promised weapons (14) and which the Sontaran, though giving the residents of the castle ‘fair warning’ in the novelisation (15), is unconcerned with bringing to a fatal end (16) once his ship is fit to fly, while the former’s association with UNIT has clearly led to actual friendship, the Brigadier opening the book ‘worried about his old friend’ (17) and, to an extent, only even involving him in this latest mystery in the hope of distracting him from Jo’s departure (18) – but it is one where the fact the Doctor has spent a considerable time stranded on Earth, and is no longer trapped there, feels more significant than the fact his personality is dissimilar to Linx’s.
This could lean into the idea that the Doctor has perhaps gone too native, become old-fashioned and in need of a poke back in the direction of a more universal outlook. Indeed, the story’s concern with sexism, and the new companion’s strident identification of and opposition to sexism, could serve to reflect that, especially in light of Doctor Who and the Tomb of the Cybermen’s statement on the character’s view on equality last book (19). It’s certainly true that the novelisation keeps many of the broadcast episodes’ reflections on sexism (20), and it adds instances of sexism of its own, reinstating Rubeish’s rumination on ‘Typical female cunning’ and concession that ‘Some women can think almost as well as a man’ (21), having Lady Eleanor reinforce Meg’s view that women ‘have our place’ with the earlier line ‘It is a woman’s place to wait’ (22) and even, and let’s be generous here and say the prose is adopting Sir Edward’s point of view here, inserting out of nowhere the stereotype of the nagging wife, the put-upon husband shown ‘patiently waiting for his wife to run out of words’ (23). However, while El Sandifer sees the show contrive to make the Doctor ‘more sexist’ than usual on TV (24), the novelisation backs away from this – the moment, for example, when the Doctor states it’ll be handy to have Sarah around ‘to make the tea’ is clarified as an ‘unfortunate joke’ (25) rather than anything more deep-felt.
All of which begs the question, if Dicks is eschewing his usual tics, what’s distracted him? Well, firstly, Irongron and his men now get some lovely background detail. It’s now clear that they had once ‘roamed the forest like wolves’ (26) before they ‘stumbled’ on their current home, defended by just a ‘handful’ of men’ (27). This is sort of covered on TV by Eleanor’s describing him as a ‘usurper’ (28), but that doesn’t allow for Irongron to reflect on his ‘old roving life’ (29) as a time when ‘they had been free’ (30), making him sound like Robin Hood gone wrong, both in the sense that he never gave to the poor but also in the way he fell into the ‘trap’ of the comfort and status offered by a castle.
One possible reason for the added detail may be due to, according to Tat Wood, Holmes’s resistance to writing a historical story (31), Shannon Sullivan suggesting Holmes felt they were ‘relics’ and (and I imagine this should be said with a sneer) ‘educational’ (32). Sullivan adds that the idea of ‘a story with an historical setting’ came from Letts and Dicks (33) and, though I’ve no idea whether Dicks’s take in the novelisation is historically accurate or based on any research, it does suggest a greater investment in painting the period setting.
Another reason perhaps is that Irongron’s troupe simply lend themselves better to prose than TV. Sly asides pepper the book, undermining the captain, his decision to take Linx captive, for example, immediately giving way to the actual truth of the matter: ‘Fortunately, the alien had seemed willing enough to accompany them back to the castle’ (34). Similarly, the presence of such a small force to greet Linx is revealed to have less to do with TV budgets and more to do with the men’s drunkenness and Irongron’s inability to stir them (35). There’s even the odd darker insight into their reasoning – when they flee the Doctors stink bombs, it’s no longer simply a result of a belief in witchcraft but also a recognition that, with ‘plenty of sins on their consciences’, they’re wary of going straight to Hell should they be killed in the siege (36).
The second thing Dicks works on is the introduction of Sarah as the new companion. El Sandifer judges Holmes ‘truly awful to her in this story’ (37), taking the commission to replace Jo with a stronger female lead and cynically playing Sarah’s feminism ‘for laughs’ (38), most particularly in her confrontation with Irongron in part two (39). A bit of interior monologue dispels much of the unpleasantness of that scene, revealing that a lot of Sarah’s chatter is actually a tactic to ‘dispel her own fears’ (40) and that, despite her brave front, she has quickly realised this is all very ‘real’ (41), perhaps even from the first moment she stepped out of the Tardis and took ‘a deep breath’ of the uncontaminated air (42).
Alongside his fix of Holmes’s worst excesses, Dicks also introduces a bit of magic to Sarah’s induction. Now, she not only hides unseen in the Tardis while the Doctor takes it to medieval England, she specifically does so ‘in a wardrobe!’ (43). Combined with Sarah’s thoughts of ‘childhood games’ (44) and her surprise when emerging in a forest (45), the novelisation evokes the tales of Narnia and so the idea that Sarah has now crossed the threshold into a land of adventure.
The most dramatic addition to the novelisation, however, has little to do with Dicks. David J Howe recounts how the prologue to Doctor Who and the Time Warrior resulted from Robert Holmes’s own attempt to novelise the story, handing the three pages he had managed to Dicks when he gave up on the idea (46). According to Howe, Dicks, referring to Holmes’s work, ‘often said he wished he could write like that’ (47), and it’s easy to see why he repeatedly offered up the compliment. The prologue’s full of lovely, seemingly easy (though clearly not) turns of phrase, describing space as a ‘sterile black infinity’ (48), the Sontaran’s ship’s progress through it as ‘silent as a whisper in the night’ (49) and the vortex as ‘terrible regions where even light itself faded and died’ (50). Maybe reading the prologue was Dicks's biggest distraction.
Anyway, taking his lead, I presume, from Bob Baker and Dave Martin’s ‘The Sontaran Experiment’ (51), Holmes adds the Sontaran ‘burn’ in the prologue. He introduces it with the loveliest turn of phrase of all, Linx reflecting that it symbolises the Sontarans’ willing ‘sublimation of self to the greater end of military efficiency’ (52) and gives rather a lot of detail about it. Little can be said that would improve on the passage itself:
He always dreaded taking a burn. His hand moved on the switch and
immediately the almost-pain came screaming up into his skull, bursting
inside his brain in a searing silver convulsion. He had spoken with other
fliers who claimed to be totally oblivious throughout the period of a
burn. If only it were so with him. The flood of power through his tissues
was like a roaring madness, a chaotic maelstrom of colour and sound
depriving him of all sentient knowledge of the outside world. He felt
himself clinging like a limpet within some solitary crevice of consciousness,
aware only that he still existed... still existed... still...
plus
as always after a burn, he had an urge to remain connected to the feeder,
free from the necessity of making decisions, drifting warmly in a gentle
euphoria.
1 Based on the Popular Television Series, ed. Paul Smith
2 epguides.com/DoctorWho
3 ‘Linx is […] a specifically designed counterpart to the Doctor’
Elizabeth Sandifer, Tardis Eruditorum, eruditorumpress.com/blog/why-not-make-some-coffee-the-time-warrior
4 RS: ‘Linx takes on the role of the Doctor for the episode’
Toby Hadoke & Robert Shearman, Running through Corridors 2; p.147
5 ‘Linx is stranded on a backwater planet and becomes unpaid scientific advisor to a local military leader. Sound familiar?’
Tat Wood, About Time 3 (expanded 2nd edition); p.405
6 ‘The Doctor looked on as half-a-dozen sweating soldiers wrestled the TARDIS into position just outside his cubicle door’
7 ‘Irongron had driven his men mercilessly until at last the scout ship was installed to Linx’s satisfaction’
8 ‘an eerie howling sound’
9 Back to twice for ‘the familiar wheezing, groaning noise’ – I feel I might have to make a bit of a case for the Sontaran ship and the Tardis echoing each other. Partly, it’s the mirrored phrase structure, with ‘sound’ synonymous with ‘noise’ and the end and ‘eerie’ replacing ‘familiar’ to set the tone of each one, with even the indefinite replacing the definite article suggesting the difference between the un- and well-known. That leaves the actual sounds – ‘howling’ against ‘wheezing, groaning’. At least for me, they’re both breathy, which puts them in the same ballpark, and, though ‘wheezing’ and ‘groaning’ aren’t exactly comforting, they are at least gentle, which is a far cry from ‘howling’
10 ‘The creature was going about some strange ritual of its own. It thrust the metal rod into the ground and stepped back. To the astonishment of the watchers, a metallic flag bearing some alien device sprang from the rod, and flapped in the morning breeze. At the same time, a weird melody floated from the open door of the little sphere. The creature raised one arm in a stiff salute. The metallic voice boomed out again’
11 ‘Irongron, Bloodaxe and the others looked on in some puzzlement. They didn’t know it, but the Earth had just been taken over’
12 ‘You can think of us as galactic ticket inspectors if you like!’
13 ‘Since the Time Lords had now lifted their sentence of exile, the Doctor remained on Earth by choice rather than necessity. But he disappeared in the TARDIS more and more frequently these days, and the Brigadier couldn’t help fearing that one day his old friend would vanish for ever’
14 ‘“When those weapons are mine, then, and only then, shall Linx die by my hand.” “A cunning plan, Captain,” said Bloodaxe with drunken solemnity’ – I do like the phrase ‘drunken solemnity’
15 ‘I come to give you fair warning […] You would be well advised to leave this castle, and capture another’
16 ‘“Can I be concerned with the fate of primitives?” He turned and marched heavily from the hall’
17 ‘He’d been worried about his old friend for quite some time. Ever since his assistant Jo Grant had surprised everyone suddenly, by getting married, the Doctor had been unusually irritable’
18 ‘When a new and puzzling problem had come up, the Brigadier had almost welcomed it. What the Doctor needed was a really good scientific mystery...’
19 ‘she knew that the Doctor was never anything less than fair and came from a time when no one believed women incapable of doing even the toughest and most hazardous jobs’
Gerry Davis, Doctor Who and the Tomb of the Cybermen
20 Meg’s lines that ‘Men are like children, ever fond of noise and brawling’ and ‘Women will never be free while there are men in the world. We have our place’, as well as Sarah’s insistence ‘I’m not afraid of men, they don’t own the world. Why should we always have to cook and carry for them?’ are all translated direct from screen to page
21 ‘“She’s just a slip of a girl.” “It’s the mind that can be dangerous, Doctor,” said Rubeish solemnly. “Some women can think almost as well as a man. Do you know, she tried to tell me you were a spy. Typical female cunning that”’
22 ‘Lady Eleanor smiled tolerantly. “This is men’s work, my dear. It is a woman’s place to wait”’
23 ‘Sir Edward sat in his private chamber, patiently waiting for his wife to run out of words’
24 ‘this story […] contrives to have the Doctor be a sexist ass to Sarah just so she can complain about it. […] the show's reaction to feminism is actually to make its major characters more sexist’
Elizabeth Sandifer, Tardis Eruditorum, eruditorumpress.com/blog/why-not-make-some-coffee-the-time-warrior
25 ‘“We need someone around to make the tea.” The Doctor couldn’t have made a more unfortunate joke. Sarah had been making her own way in a man’s world for some years now, and she strongly resented any suggestion that her sex doomed her to an inferior role’
26 ‘In the old days he and his band had roamed the forest like wolves, killing, plundering and moving on’
27 ‘they had stumbled on the little castle, hidden deep in the forest. Its defences were crumbling, the moat dried-up, the drawbridge permanently down. There wasn’t even a proper garrison. Its lord was away at the wars and he had left only a handful of retainers to defend his property’
28 ELEANOR: […] How long are we to tolerate this upstart, this insolent usurper as our neighbour? He robs, he pillages, he murders. He flouts your authority every day, the authority which comes from the King
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/11-1.htm
29 ‘Irongron had considered leaving the castle and returning to the old roving life. But he had fallen into the trap of his new found status. He loved having his own great hall to feast in, being lord of his own castle. Why, he was almost respectable...’
30 ‘They had had no shelter but the greenwood, but at least they had been free’
31 ‘Holmes wrote this under protest to suit Dicks’ plans’
Tat Wood, About Time 3 (expanded 2nd edition); p.405
32 ‘Holmes […] felt that historical stories were relics of Doctor Who's origins as a partly educational series’
Shannon Sullivan, A Brief History of Time (Travel), shannonsullivan.com/doctorwho/serials/uuu.html
33 ‘Robert Holmes found his latest submission, “The Automata”, rejected […] Barry Letts and script editor Terrance Dicks […] suggested that Holmes instead write a story with an historical setting’
Shannon Sullivan, A Brief History of Time (Travel), shannonsullivan.com/doctorwho/serials/uuu.html
34 ‘Irongron had decided to take Linx captive. Fortunately, the alien had seemed willing enough to accompany them back to the castle’
35 ‘Quite a few toasts had followed the first, and Irongron and Bloodaxe were swaying in their saddles, red-eyed and very much the worse for wear. Behind them rode half-a-dozen men-at-arms, all that Bloodaxe had been able to kick into wakefulness’
36 ‘The men of Irongron’s band had plenty of sins on their consciences. None of them was anxious to meet the Evil One before time’
37 ‘as wonderful as Sarah Jane becomes, and as amazing as Lis Sladen is, Holmes is truly awful to her in this story’
Elizabeth Sandifer, Tardis Eruditorum, eruditorumpress.com/blog/why-not-make-some-coffee-the-time-warrior
38 ‘feminism is played for laughs […] It's cruel, and nasty, and cynical, and, unfortunately, pure Robert Holmes’
Elizabeth Sandifer, Tardis Eruditorum, eruditorumpress.com/blog/why-not-make-some-coffee-the-time-warrior
39 ‘the extended sequence in Episode Two in which Sarah's complaining about how Irongron and company are sexist is played for laughs, where part of the joke is that Sarah hasn't figured out that she's gone back in time’
Elizabeth Sandifer, Tardis Eruditorum, eruditorumpress.com/blog/why-not-make-some-coffee-the-time-warrior
40 ‘Sarah went on chattering brightly, talking to dispel her own fears’
41 ‘For all her protestations, she knew that this was no game or tourist pageant. This was real’
42 ‘there was something about the air. She drew a deep breath. It was incredibly fresh and clean, as if it had never been contaminated by any kind of pollution’
43 ‘She was in a wardrobe!’
44 ‘She found herself in a dark, enclosed space with cloth hanging all around her […] Somehow it reminded her of childhood games’
45 ‘found herself in a forest, at dawn on a summer morning. This second shock was almost too much for her. She staggered, clutching the TARDIS for support. She tried to go back inside, but the door had closed behind her, and refused to open again’
46 David J Howe, The Target Book; p.50
47 Admittedly, with one very big caveat: ‘Dicks was very impressed with the three pages and often said that he wished he could write like that ... but that at only three pages a year, it would be hard to make a living’
David J Howe, The Target Book; p.50
48 ‘A million miles out in the sterile black infinity’
49 ‘the starship, silent as a whisper in the night, curved in towards the very centre of the belt’
50 ‘Out into the deep space of the inter-galactic wastes. Out into the terrible regions where even light itself faded and died.../ The vortex’ – that said, I would question exactly what Holmes thinks the vortex is. It appears to simply be ‘deep space’ rather than anything to do with time travel
51 ‘Sontarans, as I told you, sometimes need to feed on pure energy’
http://www.chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/12-3.htm
I can’t remember any reference to Sontarans feeding on energy from their ships in ‘The Time Warrior’, though I could easily be wrong
52 ‘It was just a small example of Sontaran technology, Linx thought loyally, allied to Sontaran will: the sublimation of self to the greater end of military efficiency’
Dicksisms
The Doctor has ‘a lined young-old face’ – that’s a phrase that’ll be back
Height Attack
The Doctor is ‘a tall man’, Sir Edward’s ‘Tall and frail’, Hal’s ‘a tall young fellow’, Eric’s ‘a tall fair-haired man’ and Bloodaxe is ‘a tall, lank-haired, bony fellow’. Thankfully, Linx is ‘Nasty, brutish and short’
References I Didn’t Get
‘The hall was filled with the clangour of sword play’ – it is a word and it means exactly what you’d expect
Revenge of the Educational Remit
‘In Irongron’s age, weapons like this were still unknown. In time to come they would end the supremacy of the man in armour, and the great cannon would bring down the walls of the proudest castle’
Miscellania
He’s called ‘Jingo Linx’!
The Sontaran-Rutan war appears to be a more on-off affair than it ever came across as onscreen. According to Linx, there have been ‘three galactic wars against the Rutans’ with implied armistices between each one (‘this time there would be no armistice’)
It’s difficult to know if there’s any truth in the reasons Linx gives for the Sontarans’ continued inability to defeat the Rutans: ‘They were cowards by nature. It was only because of their enormous natural resources that his people hadn’t yet finally defeated them’ – I imagine there isn’t
More patriotic Sontaran music: ‘The blood-stirring ineffably sweet strains of the Sontaran Anthem pulsed
through the ship’ – it would appear they like to have it on all the time when possible. Suddenly the chanting
from ‘The Sontaran Strategem’/’The Poison Sky’ makes sense…
It’s perhaps interesting that, as this follows Doctor Who and the Horror of Fang Rock, the Rutans are
name-checked before the Sontarans and by almost two pages at that. Indeed, the Sontarans are introduced
in the context of their war with the Rutans
There’s something almost touching about Linx’s disappointment in the efforts of his human allies: ‘only Linx
was left on the field of battle. He looked longingly at the castle for a moment. Then, mounting his terrified
horse, he rode off after the others’
‘“I am a Time Lord.” “Ah yes. A race of great technical achievement, lacking the morale to withstand a really
determined assault.” The Doctor said angrily. ‘Oh you think so, do you? Well, just let me tell you—” “I am
only a lowly field commander, Doctor, I quote from the reports of our military intelligence.” “You’d be well advised never to put that particular evaluation to the test,” warned the Doctor grimly’ – takes on a new significance in the wake of ‘The Invasion of Time’…
Now it turns out the Doctor has had lessons off Rembrant (‘Old Rembrandt gave me a few lessons once’) rather than just liking the idea (But I'd like to study under one of the masters one day. Rembrandt, preferably (chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/11-1.htm))
‘Why don’t you take off that ridiculous costume and go home to your butcher’s shop? I suppose this is your big event of the year’ – what does Sarah have against butchers?
Dicks has intriguing ideas about chivalry – apparently it’s a distinctly masculine trait (‘“I have sent Hal to hide in the woods by Irongron’s castle. When tomorrow’s sun rises, Irongron will walk his battlements for the last time.” Sir Edward was shocked. “But that is not honourable, my lady. It is murder.” “It is execution,” said Eleanor resolutely’), a preserve of the posh (‘Chivalry was something for the nobles. As far as Hal was concerned the death of Irongron would make the world a sweeter place’) and foreign (‘At many a battle the armoured chivalry of France had been brought down by English bowmen’ – does this refer to anything other than Agincourt?)
Dicks can’t help explaining the origin of the Doctor’s disguise: ‘two wandering friars trudged back towards their monastery in some confusion. They were grateful for Sir Edward’s handsome donation... but what was the Abbot going to say about their missing robes...’
I quite like the idea that Bloodaxe’s mistaking the Sontaran for a Saracen is just a result of a mishearing (‘Did he say he is a Saracen, Captain?’) than a weird guess based on his appearance:
LINX: I am a Sontaran officer. My name is Linx.
BLOODAXE: I say he's a Saracen
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/11-1.htm
Irongron’s little joke when proposing Hal’s execution is used oddly. It’s the same as on TV
IRONGRON: Ere long we shall deal with him sharply.
(Hal is dragged away. Irongron sits down at his dining table.)
IRONGRON: Sharply, eh? 'Tis richly put.
BLOODAXE: Aye, that'll be a fine jest
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/11-1.htm
but, while he luckily doesn’t have the same need to explain it to his audience in the novelisation, he is so pleased with it, he uses it twice: ‘“See that you attend to him—sharply.” […] “Sharply, eh? ’Tis richly put... A fine jest, Captain”’ AND ‘“do it sharply, eh, Bloodaxe?” […] Bloodaxe went out still chuckling. “Sharply. ’Tis richly put!”’. It makes Bloodaxe come across as the most wretched sycophant too
Eric lives!: ‘[Hal] had already unlocked Irongron’s dungeon, sending an astonished squire Eric scurrying into the forest’
‘There’s a sack of potatoes, and there’s a knife...’ – so that’s where the potato thing comes from…