Doctor Who's Putrid Ham
A quest through the Dr Who novelisations
"The excellent ham of Doctor Who is more than a little off"
1974 Times Literary Supplement review of Doctor Who and the Crusaders (quoted from David J Howe's The Target Book)
"After all this time, you’ve finally managed to get me home"
DOCTOR WHO AND THE HAND OF FEAR
by Terrance Dicks
First published 18 January 1979 (1), between The Power of Kroll and the Armageddon Factor (2)
There’s not a lot to say about Doctor Who and the Hand of Fear. The only thing that really caught my eye was Professor Watson’s call home, made as he awaits certain death. There’s a rawness to his instinct to yell at his young child to get off the line, biting his tongue and listening ‘patiently’ as his final moments tick by, keen to make ‘his daughter’s last memory […] of him’ a nice one (3), followed by a gentleness to the way he can’t bring himself to tell his wife what’s happening, preferring to ‘Let her be happy for a while longer’ (4). To be honest, this is already easily the stand-out scene from the broadcast episodes (5) and it’s difficult to judge which is more effective, the gentleness that’s revealed in the prose or the underplayed dignity onscreen, but, either way, Dicks does a lovely job with it, especially in how he underlines what a ‘futile gesture’ Watson’s remaining in the plant is whilst still making his stance sympathetic (6).
So, with Doctor Who and the Hand of Fear dealt with, it’s time to look at Sarah. A feeling that comes across very strongly in the novelisations is that she’s an unwilling companion in the vein of Ian and Barbara before her or Tegan after her, only adopting a life of adventure thanks to the Doctor’s inability to get her home. The back-cover blurb of this book, which singularly fails to promote ‘The Hand of Fear’ as Sarah’s last story, states rather baldly that Sarah ‘looks forward to going home’ (7), something the novelisation’s opening reinforces, suggesting the Tardis has landed on Earth because Sarah had ‘asked to be taken home’ (8).
What’s odd is that I don’t think Sarah’s unwilling status is an invention of the Target range. ‘The Hand of Fear’, though it doesn’t explicitly say Sarah has asked to return home, opens with Sarah’s withering assessment that the quarry in which the Tardis has landed ‘isn’t South Croydon’ (9), hinting that the Doctor is supposed to be returning her home. There’s a similar situation at the start of ‘The Android Invasion’, the novelisation stating that Sarah is ‘looking forward to returning home’ (10) and the TV episodes hinting the same, Sarah asking whether ‘the Tardis [has] brought us home or not?’ (11) in a manner that suggests it’s supposed to have done so. There is, as far as I can find, only one clear request to return home in the novelisations that didn’t happen on TV (12), but then there’s also a discussion about Sarah going home at the end of ‘The Android Invasion’ that doesn’t make it to the page (13), so it all sort of balances out.
To an extent, the split between books and TV starts with ‘Terror of the Zygons’ and the Doctor’s promise
to use the Tardis simply to save
Sarah a train journey to London.
‘Planet of Evil’ opens with what
feels like gentle joshing on Sarah’s
part, pointing out the Doctor’s
promise to ‘be back in London five
minutes before leaving Loch Ness’
(14) more as a contrast to their
landing in the far future at the edge of the universe than as an expression of actual disappointment. The Planet of Evil, however, presents the Doctor’s faulty navigation as genuinely ‘upsetting’ to Sarah (15). This sense that Sarah has in fact been engaged in one long quest to return home since Harry’s departure is reinforced at the close of Doctor Who and the Hand of Fear, Sarah commenting that the Doctor’s ‘finally managed’ to get her home (16), a line completely absent from the broadcast episodes (17). Of course, were Sarah truly desperate to return home, her failure to do so at the end of ‘The Android Invasion’ or ‘The Seeds of Doom’ would need to be explained away, as well as her decision at the close of ‘Terror of the Zygons’. The broadcast episodes make it clear she’s perfectly happy taking the scenic route – she might extract the same promise to
go straight back to London from
Loch Ness as in the book, but her
resigned shrug demonstrates
clearly that she doesn’t expect the
Doctor to deliver – but the
novelisations, by never addressing
the contradiction at all, maintain a
stronger sense that her calls to
return home are in earnest.
There is, to be fair to the books, a deeper logic to the portrayal of Sarah as an unwilling companion, at least beyond the odd daytrip in the Tardis. She was introduced as an Earth-based companion, following hot on the heels of Jo who had, in Doctor Who and the Green Death, left the Doctor, at least partly, because she really didn’t have any interest in gallivanting off around the universe and castigating the Doctor for not paying more attention to the issues of 1970s Britain (18). True, the Doctor was already free to travel when Sarah met him, but her first trip with him was accidental and, though tempted back into the Tardis for a quick holiday on Florana (19) and, slightly more confusingly, a look at the citadel of Peladon (20), her life beyond the Tardis clearly continues unaffected, starting ‘Planet of the Spiders’ independent of the Doctor, merrily pursuing stories for Metropolitan and only involved in the story at the behest of Mike Yates because he can’t directly approach UNIT himself.
But ‘Robot’ seemed to change all that. When Sarah accepted the Doctor’s invitation to run off in the Tardis, she appeared to ally herself with his desire to be ‘childish’ and run away from the grown-up world of ‘deadlines’ and ‘commitments’ (21). Most importantly, in contrast to Harry, a truly accidental companion whose Tardis travels are prompted by an unintended dematerialisation, she chose to head out into the universe.
Which makes the roles her and Harry adopt at the start of Doctor Who and the Sontaran Experiment rather strange, Harry forging ahead while Sarah holds back (22), ‘reluctant’ and ‘anxious’ (23) in new surroundings. Their dialogue isn’t quite the same as on TV either: Sarah’s comment that the uninhabited planet is ‘creepy’ and ‘Doesn’t seem like Earth’ (24) becomes the rather more categorical statement that she doesn’t like the planet because ‘it’s not like Earth’ (25); Harry’s joke about ‘our feathered friends’ being long gone, which had simply been a reply to Sarah’s sarcastic reflection upon the Doctor’s directions (26), becomes
an attempt to reassure her when
she thinks she hears movement
(27); and Sarah’s cheeky suggestion
that the Earth might now be home
to ‘Mutations, creatures’ (28)
becomes a serious observation on
Harry’s part regarding the
vegetation, drawing a genuine and
fearful gasp and widening of the
eyes from Sarah (29).
Were this characterisation confined to Ian Marter’s novelisation, it could just be a case of him slyly reconfiguring Harry, but it turns up elsewhere too. Terrance Dicks’s The Planet of Evil sees Sarah show a surprising streak of xenophobia, confessing a preference for ‘more human types’ of alien because it makes it ‘easier to tell the goodies from the baddies’ (30), which echoes her dislike of the alien future Earth. The same story sees her react to adversity with the hope that her and the Doctor might just ‘Go back to the TARDIS and go home’ (31), an attitude to other worlds she hadn’t shown on TV since ‘The Monster of Peladon’ (32), back before she dropped the day job and ran off with the Doctor at the end of ‘Robot’. To be fair, she does express a similar sentiment in ‘Pyramids of Mars’, which followed soon after ‘Planet of Evil’ on TV, but even then the novelisation manages to amp up the sense that she just wants to be at home, the ‘tune up 1980 and we can […] leave’ (33) of the broadcast episodes, which suggests a concern for the safety of herself, the Doctor and Laurence, transformed to a request to ‘take me back to my own time’ (34), hinting more towards a feeling that she doesn’t see any reason why she should have to be involved in the events of 1911. It’s even explicitly stated that ‘She hated the thought of returning’ to the battle against Sutekh (35) – this is not someone who’s having a whale of a time travelling the universe.
Doctor Who and the Hand of Fear, fortunately, captures Sarah rather better than these other novelisations. She gets a ‘little joke’ as the jet-planes come in to bomb the atomic energy complex (36), suggesting she’s rather better adjusted to life in a series of action-adventure escapades than she was in Doctor Who and the Sontaran Experiment and The Planet of Evil, and, rather more importantly, she’s now clearly signed up to the job of saving lives/worlds, reflecting that, however much she may wonder why she’s risking her life to ‘save […] someone [she] had no great reason to like or trust’, she has a ‘natural reflex’ to help those in need (37), specifically dismissing the option of just leaving and returning to Earth that she had raised in The Planet of Evil and Doctor Who and the Pyramids of Mars. There’s even, at long last, a hint that ‘the promise of a trip to some fabulous planet’ has proved instrumental in keeping her on board the Tardis and away from south Croyden (38).
It still has its odd moments though. For a start, Dicks rewrites the Doctor’s confrontation with the possessed Driscoll so that Sarah’s decision to follow him is responsible for Eldrad getting to the atomic furnace (39), turning her into a liability. Then there’s his taking Sarah’s reluctance to cross the bridge of Kastria (42) and turning it into a need to be conned into crossing (41). Twice (42) – just to make sure she also looks like an idiot. Charitably, that might be an echo of ‘The Ark in Space’, part of a greatest hits-style package for Sarah’s final story, in which case maybe the call-back to ‘Robot’ and her Pertwee-era characterisation, taken aback that their opponent is female and throwing in one last reference to Women’s Lib (43), can also be excused that way. Even if that’s why Dicks has done it, I’d question his verdict on Sarah’s best bits.
By contrast, over the course of
just three part-three minutes, Lis
Sladen manages to capture
everything that’s going to make
everyone miss Sarah so much, from
her bemused, face-making
performance of the instructions for
preserving her eardrums in an
explosion, through her childish
insistence on not following the
Doctor’s advice (see video in right
column), to her bouncing up and
down like an excitable puppy as
she and the Doctor express their
concern for each other (44), all
wrapped around her insistence on
being involved and facing danger
together with the Doctor. As with
Leela after her, that childlikeness is
what allies her with both the
Doctor, at least this Doctor, and
the audience, who can see
themselves in her, imitate her
mannerisms and recognise her
persistent joy in new experiences.
Unlike with Leela, unfortunately,
the people writing the books seem to have only occasionally noticed this.
Just look at her smirk
Look at the smile that creeps onto her face just before suggesting creatures
1 Based on the Popular Television Series, ed. Paul Smith
2 epguides.com/DoctorWho
3 ‘Professor Watson’s little daughter had answered the phone. Delighted to find her father on the line she’d began a long rambling account of some school triumph. For a moment Watson felt like yelling at her to get off the line. Then he thought it would be a pity if his daughter’s last memory was of him shouting at her. He forced himself to listen patiently’
4 ‘When his wife came on the line, Watson found himself quite incapable of telling her that he would probably be dead in a few minutes time. Let her be happy for a while longer, she’d hear soon enough’
5 WATSON: Hello, Susie? Hello, darling. Is mummy there? Oh, did you? Well, your headmistress must have been very pleased. No, no, super. Super. Get mummy for me, would you? Hello, love. Well, it's just to let you know I've got to stay on at the Complex for a while. Yes, it looks like it. No, no, there isn't anything wrong, it's just that, well, I thought I'd let you know where I was
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/14-2.htm
6 ‘In a way he supposed he was making a futile gesture, going up with his reactor like a captain going down with his ship... Yet somehow there didn’t seem to be any choice’
7 ‘The Tardis lands in England, and Sarah, the Doctor’s companion, looks forward to going home’
Back cover blurb, quoted from Based on the Popular Television Series, ed. Paul Smith; p.123
8 ‘Sarah Jane Smith had been his companion on a variety of terrifying adventures. Now she had decided that enough was enough, and asked to be taken home'
9 SARAH: Oh. Listen, I don't want to make any snap decisions, but this isn't South Croydon.
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/14-2.htm
10 'She had been the Doctor's companion through two lives and a number of fantastic adventures, journeying through Time and Space in his TARDIS. By now she was looking forward to returning home'
Terrance Dicks, Doctor Who and the Android Invasion
11 SARAH [OC]: Well, come on, make your mind up. Has the Tardis brought us home or not?
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/13-4.htm
12 '"You can forget about Florana, Doctor," said Sarah firmly. "Just you concentrate on getting me home!"'
Terrance Dicks, Death to the Daleks
13 SARAH: Uh uh. I'm going home, and I'm going by taxi.
DOCTOR: Oh. I'll make you an offer. I'll take you home.
SARAH: How can I refuse?
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/13-4.htm
14 SARAH: You promised me we'd be back in London five minutes before leaving Loch Ness.
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/13-2.htm
15 'What was upsetting Sarah was the fact that this particular journey was supposed to be a very short one, at least in inter-galactic terms. In theory the TARDIS was taking them from Loch Ness in the highlands of Scotland, back to UNIT Headquarters near London'
Terrance Dicks, The Planet of Evil
16 ‘“South Croydon. Hillview Road, to be precise.” “I can’t believe it,” said Sarah wonderingly. “After all this time, you’ve finally managed to get me home”’
17 DOCTOR: South Croydon. Hillview Road, to be exact.
SARAH: That's my home
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/14-2.htm
18 ‘Why don’t you read the newspaper sometimes?’
Malcolm Hulke, Doctor Who and the Green Death
Plus a lot more here
19 DOCTOR: Florana. Probably one of the most beautiful planets in the universe.
SARAH: Well, count me out.
DOCTOR: It's always carpeted with perfumed flowers.
SARAH: I'm not listening.
DOCTOR: And its seas are as warm milk and the sands as soft as swan's down.
SARAH: No, Doctor.
DOCTOR: The streams flow with water that are clearer than the clearest crystal.
SARAH: No.
(Laughing, Sarah puts her hands over her ears.)
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/11-2.htm
followed by:
DOCTOR: Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside, I do like to be beside the sea.
(Sarah is in shorts and halter top, and assembling items for a day on the beach.)
SARAH: Sunglasses, sun lotion, water wings.
DOCTOR: Well, you won't need those for a start.
SARAH: Oh, we're going swimming, you said.
DOCTOR: You can't sink on Florana.
SARAH: I can sink anywhere.
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/11-3.htm
20 DOCTOR: The Citadel of Peladon, Sarah. One of the most interesting and
SARAH: Oh no, it isn't, is it, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Well, no, not exactly.
SARAH: No, it's not your precious Citadel at all. It's another rotten gloomy old tunnel.
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/11-4.htm
21 ‘“No point in being grown-up if you can’t be childish.” He produced his key and opened the TARDIS door. “Come with me, Sarah?” Sarah looked at him. The very idea was ridiculous, of course. She had deadlines to meet, commitments to honour. If she went off in the TARDIS there was no telling where or when she’d end up. Or what kind of terrifying danger she’d run in to. She looked at the Doctor. His whole face was alight with mischief and the joy of living. “Come with me?” he said once more. Sarah smiled. “All right”’
Terrance Dicks, Doctor Who and the Giant Robot
22 ‘She was becoming more and more apprehensive: while Harry had forged on ahead, she had been holding back and looking cautiously around her’
Ian Marter, Doctor Who and the Sontaran Experiment
23 ‘Sarah followed, reluctant, but anxious to keep up. “You mean there might be... well... things here?”’
Ian Marter, Doctor Who and the Sontaran Experiment
24 SARAH: Trafalgar Square, my foot. Not a pigeon in sight.
HARRY: Well, I don't suppose many of our feathered friends survived, you know. Not much in the way of life, is there.
SARAH: It's rather creepy. Doesn't seem like Earth at all
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/12-3.htm
25 ‘“I don’t like it, Harry,” she said, “it’s not like Earth at all”’
Ian Marter, Doctor Who and the Sontaran Experiment
26 DOCTOR: Enjoy yourselves. Trafalgar Square should be that way.
(The Doctor points in the opposite direction to where they're going.)
SARAH: Trafalgar Square?
DOCTOR: If this is Piccadilly.
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/12-3.htm
27 ‘“Harry... there’s something up there,” she whispered. Harry put his arm reassuringly around her shoulders. “Nonsense,” he laughed, glancing upwards. “I don’t suppose any of our feathered friends survived”’
Ian Marter, Doctor Who and the Sontaran Experiment
28 SARAH: Now look, we don't know that, do we? There could be anything here.
HARRY: Such as what?
SARAH: I don't know. Mutations, creatures?
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/12-3.htm
29 Harry looks at some big berries: ‘“These botanic mutations are...” “Mutations!” Sarah gasped, her eyes widening’
30 'It was all very well for the Doctor to say one life form was just the same as another. He was used to that sort of thing. Sarah felt happier with more human types—it was easier to tell the goodies from the baddies'
Terrance Dicks, The Planet of Evil
31 '"So what are we going to do now? Go back to the TARDIS and go home?" asked Sarah hopefully'
Terrance Dicks, The Planet of Evil
32 SARAH: We couldn't just get back in the Tardis and go home?
DOCTOR: Oh, have a heart, Sarah. I've been meaning to pay a return visit to Peladon for ages.
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/11-4.htm
And, yes, it might well be significant that ‘Monster of Peladon’ was script edited and heavily rewritten by Dicks. It wouldn’t be the first time a writer hadn’t paid attention to changes since their departure… except Dicks wrote ‘Robot’, which was responsible for reformatting Sarah
33 SARAH: Well now we are here, why don't you tune up 1980 and we can, well, leave
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/13-3.htm
34 ‘Now we’re here... why don’t you just—leave, take me back to my own time?’
Terrance Dicks, Doctor Who and the Pyramids of Mars
35 ‘Sarah’s face was bleak. She hated the thought of returning to face the horrors they had just left’
Terrance Dicks, Doctor Who and the Pyramids of Mars
36 ‘“Shouldn’t we whitewash the car windows or something?” shouted Sarah. The Doctor ignored her little joke’
37 ‘For a fleeting moment Sarah wondered why they were going to so much trouble and risk to save the life of someone they had no great reason to like or trust. Why didn’t they just leave her and return to Earth? It was a kind of natural reflex, she decided. When someone was badly hurt it seemed natural to do your best for them—whoever or whatever they were...’
38 ‘She’d only been half-serious in her threat to leave, and was quite expecting the Doctor to talk her out of it with the promise of a trip to some fabulous planet’
39 ‘The Doctor heard footsteps behind him and turned. It was Sarah... The brief distraction was all Driscoll needed’
40 SARAH: It's not safe.
(The Doctor tests a fossilised tree trunk that lies across the gap.)
DOCTOR: It's only got to last until we get across.
SARAH: And what if it only lasts till we get halfway across?
chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/14-2.htm
41 ‘Sarah hesitated, putting a tentative foot on the beam. It seemed horribly narrow and it swayed beneath her weight. She took her foot off again. A muffled cry came from the other side. “Sarah! Sarah, help!” Sarah was across the beam and through the arch before she realised what she was doing’
42 ‘On the other side he stumbled, hopping on one foot and clutching his ankle. Sarah ran over the bridge to join him. “What’s the matter, Doctor?” “Nothing,” said the Doctor cheerfully. “That’s the second time you’ve fallen for that trick!”’
43 ‘Eldrad was female. Strange, thought Sarah, that she of all people should be so surprised. Why shouldn’t their unknown opponent be female after all? What you might call a case of Alien’s Lib...’
44 SARAH: I worry about you.
[…]
DOCTOR: Yes, but
SARAH: Oh, but what?
DOCTOR: I worry about you.
SARAH: So, be careful.
DOCTOR: We'll both be careful.
SARAH: Fine.
Height Attack
The Doctor’s ‘a very tall man’ and man-Eldrad is ‘a huge glittering figure’
Dicksisms
Thrice: ‘With a wheezing groaning sound a battered old blue police box appeared from nowhere’; ‘he heard a wheezing groaning noise, and looked up in astonishment. But there was nothing to see’; AND ‘With a wheezing, groaning sound, the TARDIS disappeared from the suburban street corner’
‘that mysterious traveller through Space and Time known as the Doctor’
‘Driscoll slipped off the heavy protected gauntlet. The ring on his middle finger shone with a fierce blue glow. A voice in Driscoll’s head said, “Eldrad must live.” He slipped the gauntlet back on and left the fission room’ – is that necessary in a book?
Or this?: ‘just punch up seven, four, three, eight, zero, zero, eight, one, twelve, twelve, seven, two, seven, two, nine, eleven, eight, three, four, one, one, one, three, zero, nine, eleven, fifteen, and see what happens’
Revenge of the Educational Remit
‘“Wonderful thing, pain,” said the student solemnly. “Without pain no race can survive […] It acts as a warning, you see, an autonomic defence mechanism”’
Are You Sitting Comfortably..?
‘It might have been a fragment of some ancient statue being studied by a group of archaeologists—though archaeologists don’t often use geiger counters’
Tory Who
‘Watson sighed. The girl seemed young and pretty, and for all the trouble she was causing, he couldn’t help feeling sorry for her’ – this feels off but I can’t quite put my finger on why
Miscellania
Of the plan to bomb a nuclear facility to bits: ‘It’s a fairly isolated area, you see. They can use their new stand-off missile with limited fall out’
I still get uncomfortable whenever the Doctor hits a woman: ‘His fist flashed out and Sarah went limp’
This feels like the Williams-era Doctor is creeping back through the novelisations: ‘“I shall rule Earth instead.” […] “Oh good grief,” sighed the Doctor. Eldrad seemed to have a limitless capacity for producing one mad scheme after another’
And, just because it’s lovely: ‘Life forms don’t all reach the same stage of development at the same time, you know. Civilisations rise and fall, pass each other like ships in the universal night of the cosmos...’